Checklist for Humanity

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Grant O'rourke

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This is my checklist for humanity
A list of all the ills in the world that we need to fix right now
Or at the very least have a right old think about them
Just some things that we could maybe do without
It's a to-do list, if you will

We need to stop all the hate, that has to be the first one
Out of all of the emotions hate is definitely the worst one
So let's drop the hate right now, just chuck it, I'm serious
If we don't stop hating right now I will be so bloody furious
Let's replace hate
Hate doesn't create
You can't build a bridge with the concept of hate
That would be ridiculous
You need bricks to do this
You'll never cross a river with suggestions like this
To try to build stuff with an abstract concept would be mental
If you're even suggesting this I would question your credentials
As a structural engineer
You can't build a house with fear
Or a shed with anything less than the requisite materials
You won't get planning permission for a hate bridge I bet
So please cross the river but now your trousers are wet
If you build a bridge with hate this is what you get
So let's throw hate off a cliff or maybe kick it to death
Lets all murder hate
Or set its legs on fire
Shoot hate in the face or strangle it with a length of copper wire
What hate needs from us is a right old bloody lesson
That we will F it right up
If you'll pardon the expression
Let's send it on its way feeling pretty bloody terrible
But don't fight hate with hate that's just stooping to its level
God see when you think about it
Hate is a right dick

There's loads of bad stuff in the world today
Maybe we should all do something about it
Individually or collectively
Whatever suits you
We could try really hard
Or whatever you can manage
Then we can all report back on Monday
With fresh ideas

The next one is fear, which I feel should be banned
Fear is just like love except in opposite's land
Instead of feeding your compassion it makes you suspicious
Like maybe I won't eat that couscous even though it looks delicious
Cause Dave said it was made fresh but he could've made it Wednesday
And also who even brings couscous to a barbecue anyway
Dave does
Dave
Because he's cheap and he's lazy
And I'll never say it to his face cause he's big and  he scares me
Fear's a state of mind that mankind could  do without
But not the good kind of fear that stops you teabagging a tigers mouth
Although I'm not sure how that opportunity would present itself actually
It doesn't seem like the kind of situation that might arise naturally
Maybe if you were a zookeeper or  had a tiger as a pet
But that's ridiculously pricey, you'd be drowning in debt
And where would you even keep it
A massive thing like that
You should  probably get a smaller, non-terrifying cat
Have you thought about a hamster?  That might be an alternative
To a tiger which lets face it would be prohibitively expensive
I mean, do what you like
I'm sure you'll think of something
Just don't buy a snake, they can get into the plumbing

I'm really worried about toilet snakes
Like what if a snake was in your toilet
And tried to bite you while you're sitting on it
That doesn't sound nice
Maybe we could all join together
And kill every single snake on the planet
I'm sure that wouldn't have a knock on effect
Globally

It's not just hate and fear and snakes that should be gone
The list of all our problems must be 20 miles long
There's pride and jealousy and arrogance and disappointment
At the sight of everybody's unparalleled enjoyment
As they munch on Dave's couscous and they don't touch my coleslaw
The effort to make couscous is approximately hee-haw
At least I had to chop up three different kinds of veg
And that, Susan, is why I threw his couscous in the hedge
When are we going to admit that couscous is basically just a middle class pot noodle
And Susan is always sticking up for Dave, even though Dave told me he thinks she's annoying
And don't forget the other stuff that could be shown the door
Like intolerance and ignorance and cruelty and war
And climate change and famine and poverty and such
And there's certain parts of capitalism are getting a bit much
And do we trust the politicians to tidy all this mess up
They're too busy in the brewery trying to organise a piss up
It's hopeless, you can't fix this many issues in one day
Maybe if we ignore them then they'll all just go away

There's too many bad things in the world today
Maybe we should all just chill and somehow
They'll sort themselves out on their own
If we really believe
Or just have a relaxing weep
In your bed at night and you'll be fresh for morning
When we do this hellish dance
All over again

There are so many ills in this world
Too many to list, it turns out
I mean I didn't even get around to crime
Criminals, you know
Although I did mention politicians so that's kind of the same thing
Eh, am I right
No, in fairness actually some politicians do a good job
I met a politician once
He gave me a bagel
You know, it was a decent bagel
So you can't tar them all with the same brush
Politicians I mean
Not bagels
Bagels are fine

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