untitled(spitballing)

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St. M

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I find it strange after the initial 24 hours
Staying awake for 48 is much easier to do
The hardest part seems to be in the
20 to 26 hour mark, but after that, it wasn't too bad
I guess that's my life the past few weeks
I've been struggling to fall asleep
Then actually sleeping at weird hours
And that clashes with everything
It's hard for sure
Everything seems so uncertain for me right now
I guess this may be my way of stressing out
Like uh, there's school and all the requirements for it
Me always comparing myself to the people in my major
And feeling far behind
Seeing what jobs I could apply for
And if I'm even able to meet the requirements
Or even if I'm suited for my major at all
Why is life so hard?
Or maybe why do we insist on making it so hard?
I wish I could just keep my lifestyle right now and be relaxed
If there was a job where I could watch YouTube, read mangas
Play games, I would've already quit school
But that doesn't exactly exist, so I'm tryna just finish school
But that's a whole other thing to worry about too
It's hard for me to learn when I don't have the passion
To learn what's being taught
And what's being taught needs to be learned
Before I can teach myself what I want to learn
Quite the roadblock, really no time to stop
(I dunno, I'm just spitballing)
(Yeah I dunno, just spitballing)
I think I'm just making up excuses
I really don't want to do school and just wanna work
So I can learn what I want, in my own way, at my own pace
In my own place, with no distractions
Ah well, this obviously is another fantasy
The grass is always greener on the other side
It's just that I feel so caged right now by all I have to do
All the expectations to meet
All the people I don't want to let down
You know, it feels weird to let out my concerns like this
I've never been one to open about anything that I'm going through at all
And I've never done it either
It does feel like a bit of weight got off my shoulder
Or maybe, I guess another way to say it is I can breathe a little bit better
Maybe this was a step in the right direction
I hope life does get better

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