4 7 8

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Mayura U

4:40

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I breathe in for four seconds
Three
Two
One
I hold myself for four seconds
And in that time my other self has learnt to be fluent in confidence
Each interaction is not a rehearsed reading
Before a food order before a register call before a plea for direction
Over there
There are no stutters strewn from my lips when my tongue jams
Like a sewing machine fed with too much fear and not enough care
I do not leave a mangled mess of strangled thoughts still trailing from my mouth
Over there, with care
I lift the presser foot from my teeth
I guide my vowels towards my consonants
And lace my intentions into my veins
Threading courage through the hole in my heart
To finally stitch a sentence together
I hold my breath for seven seconds
Six
Five
Four
I hold myself for seven seconds
And in that time my other self has learnt to sleep without falling
Does not need to count my curses to succumb to darkness
Has learnt not to make a theatre out of my mind at night
Where my day's demons come to play
Over there
I do not wake the alarm in my body
Or build a bed for rationality to rest in
Over there, my other self is not
The protagonist of a horror film
Stuck in the running reel of every dusk and dawn
With each prediction projected onto my walls
I breathe out for eight seconds
Seven
I hold myself for eight seconds
And in that time my other self has grown gills between my ribs
Each bone curving towards my centre
Guarding the packets of life still left in me
Over there
I do not drown under the weight of my ocean
When I am sucked into a spiral
I do not choke on my shortcomings
Or thrash against the rocks carved by my own nightmares
Over there, my other self
Has learnt to float among my currents' chaos
And calms the rage feeding the belly of my whirlpool
Still breathing amongst it all
Still here despite it all
I take a deep breath for nineteen seconds
Eighteen seventeen sixteen fifteen
Five four three
Two
One second
I hold myself for nineteen seconds
And all the seconds it takes
To get to the next

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