(scripts) Monty Python And The Holy Grail

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Monty Python

Monty Python (sometimes known as The Pythons) was a British surreal comedy group that created Monty Python's Flying Circus, a British television comedy sketch show that first aired on the BBC on 5 October 1969. Forty-five episodes were made over four series. The Python phenomenon developed from the television series into something larger in scope and impact, spawning touring stage shows, films, numerous albums, several books and a stage musical as well as launching the members to individual stardom. The group's influence on comedy has been compared to The Beatles' influence on music. more »

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The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]):
KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman
PATSY : Terry Gilliam
GUARD #1 : Michael Palin
GUARD #2 : John Cleese
MORTICIAN :  Eric Idle
CUSTOMER :  John Cleese
DEAD PERSON :  ???
DENNIS :  Michael Palin
WOMAN :  Terry Jones
BLACK KNIGHT : John Cleese (?)
VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle
VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin
SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones
WITCH : ???
VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese
NARRATOR:  Michael Palin
SIR LAUNCELOT : John Cleese
SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin
SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle
GOD : ???
FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese
MINSTREL : ???
LEFT HEAD : Terry Jones
MIDDLE HEAD : Graham Chapman
RIGHT HEAD : Michael Palin
OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam
HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin
FATHER : Michael Palin
PRINCE HERBERT : Terry Jones
GUARD #1 : Eric Idle
GUARD #2 : ???
CONCORDE : Eric Idle
OLD CRONE : ???
ROGER (THE SHRUBBER) : Eric Idle
TIM (THE ENCHANTER):  John Cleese
BROTHER MAYNARD:  Eric Idle
SECOND BROTHER:  Michael Palin

Scene 1
[wind]
[clop clop]
ARTHUR:  Whoa there!
[clop clop]
GUARD #1:  Halt!  Who goes there?
ARTHUR:  It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot.  King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons,
sovereign of all England!
GUARD #1:  Pull the other one!
ARTHUR:  I am.  And this my trusty servant Patsy.     We have
ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
who will join me in my court of Camelot.  I must speak with your
lord     and master.
GUARD #1:  What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR:  Yes!
GUARD #1:  You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR:  What?
GUARD #1:  You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're
bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR:  So?  We have ridden since the snows of winter covered
this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
GUARD #1:  Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR:  We found them.
GUARD #1:  Found them?  In Mercea?  The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR:  What do you mean?
GUARD #1:  Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR:  The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house
martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these
are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1:  Are you suggesting coconuts are migratory?
ARTHUR:  Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1:  What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR:  It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1:  It's not a question of where he grips it!  It's a
simple question of weight ratios!  A five ounce bird could not
carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR:  Well, it doesn't matter.  Will you go and tell your
master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1:  Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR:  Please!
GUARD #1:  Am I right?
ARTHUR:  I'm not interested!
GUARD #2:  It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1:  Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR:  Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!
GUARD #1:  But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2:  Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1:  So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2:  Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it
together?
GUARD #1:  No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2:  Well, simple!  They'd just use a standard creeper!
GUARD #1:  What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2:  Well, why not?
Scene 2
MORTICIAN:  Bring out your dead!
	     Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER:  Here's one -- nine pence.
DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN:  What?
CUSTOMER:  Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON:  I'm not dead!
MORTICIAN:  Here -- he says he's not dead!
CUSTOMER:  Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON:  I'm not!
MORTICIAN:  He isn't.
CUSTOMER:  Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
DEAD PERSON:  I'm getting better!
CUSTOMER:  No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN:  Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against
regulations.
DEAD PERSON:  I don't want to go in the cart!
CUSTOMER:  Oh, don't be such a baby.
MORTICIAN:  I can't take him...
DEAD PERSON:  I feel fine!
CUSTOMER:  Oh, do us a favor...
MORTICIAN:  I can't.
CUSTOMER:  Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes?  He
won't be long.
MORTICIAN:  Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost
nine today.
CUSTOMER:  Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN:  Thursday.
DEAD PERSON:  I think I'll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER:  You're not fooling anyone y'know.  Look, isn't there
something you can do?
DEAD PERSON:  I feel happy... I feel happy.
[whop]
CUSTOMER:  Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN:  Not at all.  See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER:  Right.
[clop clop]
MORTICIAN:  Who's that then?
CUSTOMER:  I don't know.
MORTICIAN:  Must be a king.
CUSTOMER:  Why?
MORTICIAN:  He hasn't got shit all over him.
Scene 3
[clop clop]
ARTHUR:  Old woman!
DENNIS:  Man!
ARTHUR:  Man, sorry.  What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven.
ARTHUR:  What?
DENNIS:  I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
ARTHUR:  Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
DENNIS:  Well, you could say `Dennis'.
ARTHUR:  Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
DENNIS:  Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR:  I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the
behind you looked--
DENNIS:  What I object to is you automatically treat me like an
inferior!
ARTHUR:  Well, I AM king...
DENNIS:  Oh king, eh, very nice.  An' how'd you get that, eh?  By
exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist
dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our
society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN:  Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here.  Oh -- how
d'you do?
ARTHUR:  How do you do, good lady.  I am Arthur, King of the
Britons.  Who's castle is that?
WOMAN:  King of the who?
ARTHUR:  The Britons.
WOMAN:  Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR:  Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN:  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were an
autonomous collective.
DENNIS:  You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship.
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN:  Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS:  That's what it's all about if only people would--
ARTHUR:  Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  Who lives
in that castle?
WOMAN:  No one live there.
ARTHUR:  Then who is your lord?
WOMAN:  We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR:  What?
DENNIS:  I told you.  We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune.  We
take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the
week.
ARTHUR:  Yes.
DENNIS:  But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR:  Yes, I see.
DENNIS:  By a simple majority in the case of purely internal
affairs,--
ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
DENNIS:  --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
ARTHUR:  Be quiet!  I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN:  Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
ARTHUR:  I am your king!
WOMAN:  Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR:  You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN:  Well, 'ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR:  The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the
purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of
the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to
carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS:  Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing
swords is no basis for a system of government.  Supreme executive
power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some
farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR:  Be quiet!
DENNIS:  Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR:  Shut up!
DENNIS:  I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
put me away!
ARTHUR:  Shu

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