Just Us

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Fienyx

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Hey bro... Remember when it was just us?
Looking up at the sky, wondering what’s what
“Is there a god or is it just us?”
“Man, shut up...”
I used to rough you up and call it tough love
You were my baby bro... I used to hate you so
Little pip squeak, always taking my favorite clothes
Kindergarten buried your Barney in the backyard
You dug it up with your bare hands—now that’s hard
Karma had a way of sorting that out
Fell out a tree, broken in pieces by that hole in the ground
IV morphine... In a hospital bed I turned fiend
In a body cast, like a body bag at thirteen
“It’s just us, please empty this cup full of pee!”
And you’d agree, even though you struggled with OCD
I’ll never forget that, even if you had to overreach
You had my back, dirtied your hands when you were oh so clean
From sponge baths to bedpans, saw me rot away
Slumped in a wheelchair, a year ‘til I could walk again
I healed up, but my brain began to inflict pain
While you’d had enough—suicidal in the fifth grade
Shit, was it all my tormenting that made you this way?
I blame my behavior for your depression to this day
Yours was getting better, but mine took a turn for the worse
I took to the streets, hoping they’d murder me first
Self-harm was a charm, arms full of third-degree burns
Fighting fire with fire, only the hurting that works
Mom is catching on, sensed something wrong once the drugs came in
It wasn’t long before you saw me spilling blood for them
Thinking, “Maybe if I listen and pee in this cup for him
He’ll really stop this time, and it can be just us again!”
Weren’t even a teen, should’ve never made you have a hand
Our bonding time confined to you helping me bag up grams
I hoped by letting you in, you’d never want to be me
But that was just naïve, caught me crushing coke on a CD
I had just started high school, and it only got worse from there
Mostly a blur, but somehow survived those turbulent years
It was just us, kid. It was just us
Big brother slipping you sips from the kitchen cupboard
No one knows, can’t diagnose what’s overcome us
Only the holiest of mothers could ever love us
Ma, remember that night, it was just us?
When I had snuck out and stumbled in punch drunk
Some liquor and ecstasy left me on the cusp of
Death... “Here dear, have some Ipecac with your custard”
At this point, you ain’t arm the house to keep people out
You set alarms to keep me in so you could sleep an ounce
You swore you’d had enough, but I was calling your bluff
That you couldn't just sit there and watch your boy vomiting blood
Blackish-brown like coffee grounds when it come out
You were right to trust your gut and not let me out after sundown
From rehabs to the relapses, you always cared for me
Cradle to the grave, I was always in such a damn hurry
Well here we are… Stomach kicks and organs shift
Bloody in your lap like it’s come to my origins
Full circle, the serpent swallowed its tail whole
“Bastard!” You yell, all while stroking my hair though
Scolding yourself, like, “Why the hell did I name you John?
When no one in this family with that name’s made 21!”
Knew I was dying, but the fact that I was drunk driving
Horrified you ‘cause I was like the guy who killed your brother Johnny
The one you named me after… Mommy, I’m so sorry
I never meant to do this, been trying to lose my heartbeat
Only called me J.C. to help you say goodbye
So let me go now, please, just say goodnight
You can leave, it’s ok Mom, it’s just us
Let me sleep in my blood and guts full of substance
But you won’t budge, saying, “I’m staying ‘til the suns up”
Only your love could absolve me of all my f*ck ups
After that, I went away again—this time it took
And hey, I turned 21 in there, like “Mama look!”
Back home, it’s been a year bro, you grown some
My demons under control, but you still had your own ones
After you popped a bottle, and they brought you to the hospital
It was your first—wouldn’t be mine—I’m plotting on what I could do
Asked the doctor kindly if I could get a cot with you
He smiled, looked him dead in the eye, “No, I could be a monster too!”
Got awkward, Mom was crying, so I backed out
“Your brother will be fine. You? Might not get let back out!
You remember what happened last time? That psych
Ward almost took us to court and you swore it’d be your last!” Fine.
Wouldn’t be his, but I never had to ask why
Shit, joking ‘bout killing ourselves was a favorite pastime
Just to pass time… But we really lived that life
Where the promise of death’s the only thing that lets you slip at night
One in the same—a shame—so misunderstood
But we always had each other, and nothing in this world
Could take that from us, ‘cause man we faced that plummet
And found our way back from it trying to turn suffering to good
And we would… But your kindness caught up to you
And what started as a favor turned fatal under a partial moon
Something I’m accustomed to, but not the fate that befell you
Your heart giving way, left alone in a strange hotel room
What can I tell you, other than I failed you?
I should’ve been there to hold your hand when you fell through
You were doing well, your new meds started working
Made some new friends, wanted to experiment like a regular person
Mixed the wrong shit—happiness—for the first time, you made it
I hate to say it, but you were safer in isolation
Try to tell myself, “At least you went out on a high”
But we all know you the wrong one to go ‘tween you and I
It was just us, but it should’ve been me
Couldn’t believe my greatest weakness is what put you to sleep
Why couldn’t I see? Should’ve been me, I shouldn’t even breathe
It was just us, you caught what was meant to be a bullet for me…
It’s unjust, little brother, how it was just us
And now it’s just me, looking for comfort
There’s no justice. It was just us
Now it’s just me, wondering what’s what

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