Finding Comfort

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Miles Carter

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There's a lot I don't know
For instance, I never know what I want to order before I go eat
I usually end up getting what I got the last time
I know what I want out of life, I'm not entirely sure how I'll get there
I didn't know I had anxiety until last year
And honestly I didn't know there were words for a lot of the things I feel
I don't know if I mean the things I say
Or if I say them because they mean something to you
And I'm afraid you do the same when you speak to me
There's a lot I'm not sure about, but what's been bothering me most

Is I'm not sure in who I am
I have an idea of things I like, things I don't like
The kind of people I enjoy being around, and I have a pretty good idea of how people view me
But there's this voice in my head, almost another person but still me
It causes most of my doubt
It asks questions like, "Are you doing this because you're a good person? 
Or because you'll be praised for being a good person?" 
And that question sticks with me because It questions my own genuity
Am I the person present myself to be? am I who you think I am?

You're never really who you are to anyone except yourself
Perspective is inescapable; from other eyes
You will only ever be who you are in relation to them
And this is why I question my own character
There's a reason it's easy to sing in the shower
Why you can dance alone in your room even though you can't dance
It's easier to be you when no one is watching
Because when people are watching, judgement comes into the mix
And often times, because you fear being judged you begin judging yourself
And by you I mean me, because I'm speaking to myself too
That comfortability I find when I'm by myself 
Is the comfortability I want when I'm around others
Not just comfort with where I am, but who I am wherever I go
An acceptance of everything I am
Not only the things i love about myself but the things I'm working to love
An acknowledgement of my current flaws
But a hopefulness to one day move on from them
That's the kind of comfort I find when I'm alone

So I've been trying to figure out how to be me when I go outside
So that nothing is something I do but anything I do is everything I am
And to do that I have to first be comfortable in myself
I have to be honest
I have to not only spend time by myself, but with myself
Productively
Actively learning self acceptance, self love, self everything
I need to do for myself what I'm more than willing to do for others
It's ironic because this is advice that i usually give
But I never take my own advice
I'm trying to do that now

So this part of my life, this part right here, is called finding comfort

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