A Modern Love Story

Guy BranumGuy Branum 

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Guy Branum

Guy Branum (born November 12, 1975) is an American comedian, writer, and actor best known as the head writer of, and a sketch performer on, X-Play on the G4 network and as a regular panelist on Chelsea Lately on the E! network. He used to host the podcast Pop Rocket on the Maximum Fun network, and hosted TruTV's Talk Show the Game Show. more »

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Romance is an inherently heterosexual idea like it's for straight people like you guys are for like decades were like, ah, I don't have a problem with gay people. I just don't want them flaunting it in my face and like no one is better at flaunting their sex in your face than straight people. Like what did gay people ever do? Like maybe talk about having a boyfriend or discussing the fact that we might have had an intercourse. You guys f*ck each other and you leave part of the fucking in one of the parties and then you grow it and then you bring it around places and you teach it to talk.
Like, the number of like, Hey yeah we fucked three years ago and now its name is Madison and you have to touch it. Um, it's distasteful. 

I don't like heterosexuality. I understand that it is a necessity to keep our species going, but let's leave it at that. I don't like using apps for dating. I need using apps for dating. I'm not for everyone. I am a unique boutique product. I am the sexual equivalent of a lefthanded oyster shucking glove, like I'm not for everyone. Like, but those who I am for will know how to use it. What I'm saying is I need Etsy for Dick. 

As I was saying, romance is a fundamentally heterosexual idea. You guys are saying, Oh, why don't, why don't we put a beautiful story over our fucking, why don't we make our our fucking beautiful and romantic and for all of time gay people have just been wanting our fucking to be legal. You know, we were just trying to find a bush to have sex in that would not give us a visible rash at work the next day.  You guys were able to have your, I didn't like him, but then he spilled orange juice on me and then I did and the rest was forever. Any time to gay men tell you the story of how they met and that story is in any way cute or adorable. They are lying to you. They are lying. There are only two ways that gay men meet. It can be perfunctory or spooky. 

It can 100% be perfunctory. It can just be, I put all relevant data about myself into an application on my phone, and then he put all relevant data about himself and he, the closest person to me, of whom all of those things were true. And if he were five pounds heavier or two inches shorter, we never would have met each other. That's 100% a way that a pair of gay men can meet, or it can be, well, I had my dick in this guy's mouth, and there was another dick probing against my anus, at least I think it was a dick. There were a lot of police batons around, and I had been on a large amount of drugs since I got on the cruise ship. Then I looked across the darkened multipurpose event space, and I saw a man staring at me as though he wanted to murder me, and I knew.

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