depression, continued

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Pigeon Chess

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Well, none of this is new to me
My head is fucking killing me, I think I'd rather be
Asleep, to death, my bedroom is my hospice
I wish I left, I can't just handle all this from me

Well it's weighing on my mind
I've got 2 dollars and 44 cents sitting in my bank
And I stay home every day
It's almost every hour when I dissociate
Don't fucking talk to me
I'm sleeping off the hunger and I'm wasting useless ink
I'm living misery
And it's not changing no matter what you motherfucking think

And I'm such a fucking slob
These fast food bags and bloody rags threaten to swallow me
And I haven't got a job
Not focusing on school or music, not a fucking thing
And my music's going pop
I can't even give all the shits required to be me
And it's never gonna stop
No matter how much I want to, it just won't fucking be

All along
All I want
Is for someone to

Shake me by the shoulders
Hit me across my face
Say "roll that fucking boulder, then make that shit stay in place"
They say that it's impossible, but do what you want, man
'Cause I'll never be a woman
But you'll never fight the man

And well
I won't be fighting much myself
I can't believe that I put you through this hell
With all the shit that I can't take back

And this song
These shitty references won't help
It only shows that I can't do this myself
But I'm tired of fucking saying that

And with you off the line
I'm wasting all my time
It's hard to say I'm fine
This shit's not even mine

Well I can't do this shit for that much longer
I mean, how can anybody even act
Or make it out like I've gotten stronger
When weakness is only a fact?

It's shit
It's fake
All the personas I make
I quit
F*ck's sake
How many fucking times will it take?

For me to emphasize my strengths
And not romanticize my angst
I'm fucking tired of this place
I hate this shit, I hate this age
But I won't ever see the day
When I step out into the rain
And I accept that things will change
And I'll make efforts to arrange
Instead I'm lying on my floor
Thinking about what could be more
I've made it pretty fucking sure
That I will never wake up sane in my life

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