Interview

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Zenitram Knup

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Dick F. Ucker:  Hello, this is Richard F. Ucker with breaking news for our viewers around the world.  Spot-If-I has announced that beginning in early 2024, songs will only earn royalties if they have reached 1,000 streams in the previous 12 months.  Here with us today is the greatest independent punk band in this whole entire studio, Zenitram Knup.

Professor Troylawney:  Uh, that's pronounced Enitran Nup.

Dick F. Ucker:  Oh, the Z and the K are silent?

Professor Troylawney:  Yeah, it's a commentary on how screwed up the English language is.

Dick F. Ucker:  Interesting.  For those of you at home, that was Professor Troylawney, bassist of Zenitram Knup.  So, Professor, how do you feel about this change?

Professor Troylawney:  Well, as with a lot of independent artists we don't get the same kind of recognition as big names and don't get as many streams.  But, by my calculations it seems as though 18 of our songs do get enough streams to still earn royalties under this new policy.  One of the arguments defending this new policy is that the songs with fewer streams don't make that much on royalties anyway, so this will allow for a better royalty distribution for songs that do get more streams.  However, those other songs do add up.  The 18 songs that will qualify for royalties make up a majority of our Spot-If-I royalties, but according to my calculations the remaining songs make up for roughly 30% of our royalties.  We therefore worry that this will make for a significant cut in our royalty checks.

Dick F. Ucker: Interesting.  And now, your lead vocalist-how do you feel about this, Enitram?

Zenitram:  Uh, despite the Z in our band name being silent, you say it in my name.

Dick F. Ucker:  Oh, my apologies.  How do you feel about this, Zenitram?

Zenitram:  I feel like a rose with twelve thorns.

Dick F. Ucker:  Do you care to explain what you mean by that?

Zenitram:  Nah, if you care enough, figure it out yourself.

Dick F. Ucker:  Okay, then, on to your drummer-who also does vocals on a few of your more popular tracks...  What do you think about this, Potato Monster?

Potato Monster:  P is for potato.  But P is also for phuck, if you spell it the ph way.  Phuck Spot-If-I.  P is for Phuck, Phuck Spot-If-I, P is for Phuck, Phuck Spot-If-I, P is for Phuck, Phuck Spot-If-I, P is for Phuck, Phuck Spot-If-I, P is for Phu-

Dick F. Ucker:  I apologize, Potato Monster, but I have just been informed that even if you spell it the ph way I can't have you saying that word on a live broadcast.

Potato Monster:  Will Phuck that!

Dick F. Ucker:  Okay, and finally, your guitarist and backup vocalist, Miguelito Gordo.  From you, I just want to wrap things up from finding out what Zenitram Knup plans on doing in response to this change in Spot-If-I royalties.

Miguelito Gordo:  Well, we're going to make a compilation album.  We have 18 songs that, according to Professor Troylawney, should continue getting their royalties under this new set-up.  This compilation album will have 18 of our songs that we like but don't make that mark.  And we urge our fans to all have this album play on repeat, even if they're not really actively listening, to get those songs up there so that maybe they can earn royalties too.

Dick F. Ucker:  And how can one listen to this album?

Miguelito Gordo:  Well, it's also going to have a few extra tracks, and this interview is being made one of them.  So, just continue listening after the end of this interview!

Dick F. Ucker:  In that case, I want to listen, so I hereby declare this interview to be over!

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