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Nimz

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 The easy, fast & fun way to learn how to sing: 30DaySinger.com

It's 2am and I want to go to sleep
This pit is deep
And large enough for what's coming I think
Want to shut down my mind but it's hyperventilating
This room is dark
So dark my pupils are dilating
It's not that I can't see but I'm seeing way too many things

Bricks around my feet
From all this deconstructing

And it's tiring
And draining and asking so much of me
This faith it
Doesn't fit me anymore
Like a shirt I've outgrown
Once fond but know unable to hold me
Or my questions
And my questions are more than my answers
And unanswered questions make me anxious
What do I do with a Jesus
Stripped of his cultural identity at the hands of white supremacy?
People stolen from their land
Stolen from her people
Bible in hand
Slave whip in the other
Imperialists tearing down my ancestors altars
Slavery justified colonialism actualized
What do I do with all this color blindness
Erasing  culture more than celebrating  it
How do I belong if my people can't fit in this?

Bricks around my feet
From all this

How do I reconcile in my woman body
A faith that seems to exclude me
And blame me
Don't tempt him
Dress this way keep him from sinning
Can't fight for women and love God?
All this intersectionality is at  crossroads
What am I supposed to do if oppressive systems
Seem to be affirmed by my belief structures?
We say come as you are
But do we really mean it?
People as projects
Idolizing the mission
A disembodied religion
No one cares for your gospel if you're not gonna feed them
Bread of life lands better on a full stomach
Warmth of Christ shines best if they're not freezing
Cycles of poverty but you're asking people to sow a seed dang
A faith silent amidst injustice
Shouldn't we be the loudest activists?
Loving our neighbor suddenly only a suggestion

Bricks around my feet
From all this deconstructing

And then of course
There's unhelpful Christian optimism
Sometimes saying Jesus loves you isn't the most helpful thing
Our perspectives turned temples
Frameworks now cathedrals
Consumeristic churches
Judging strugglers
Shaming doubters
And seriously
You defend your abusive church leader
But  judge a woman afraid to keep her kid
Make it make sense
Always hyper focusing  on the damn wrong thing
Bishops pointing fingers at pregnant girls
And telling them it's their fault
They should wear longer skirts

Bricks around my feet
From all this

I'm thinking about the manipulation that's thick in the walls of our most holy places
And our tendencies to bibliolatry
And how the whole canon thing doesn't even make sense to me
And systematics of theology are beginning to irritate me
The expectation to have all this clarity and certainty
There's more comfort closing my text book than  reading it
I don't know what to do with this cold heart and these closed fists
This faith shouldn't make me defensive
I..I thought God was liberating
Now I choke on the vows I made when I was 12
What if I walk away?

What if His grace that I told the people about is no longer strong enough for me to stay?
What if quote-on-quote heresy is appealing to me?
what if what if what if What if
What if I don't care about these bricks anymore
What if

What if I'm stone cold

 The easy, fast & fun way to learn how to sing: 30DaySinger.com