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The Prophet Obblonge

Erupting with preaching performances, The Prophet Obblonge explains, proclaims, transmutes, and delivers clarity to the masses for their edification and to bring awareness to the still uncertain fate of his beloved fiancé, last seen with a white supremacist narcissistic abuser in Michigan. Fans of horror fiction, true life drama, comedy, and pointed social commentary alike find Obblonge’s insightful, exasperated gospel to be an invigorating, motivating experience presented without fear of reproach or regret. What’s your problem? Issues resolved. Crises averted. Wonders explained. Be amazed. Lost? Depressed? Questions? The answers are waiting…. Everything is the repetition offa pattern. Everything. You can pretend you have free will. You can pretend you hav… more »

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Excerpted from the Gospel of Saint Patricia
Decided to enlist your dear younger sister Paula sent her a text at 630 in the morning on a Monday
Which should be a workday for her unless today is a holiday of some sort. I suppose that's possible
Americans love a three-day weekend. Maybe it's st. Eat animals with penises day or something doesn't show up in The discordian calendar

Ah the interwebs inform me that indeed it is
National barbershop music appreciation day, which should be especially interesting to the aforementioned sister Since the last time I saw her
I gave her one of your mutual grandfather's barbershop quartet songbooks grunt old workers day
International town criers day

National beef tallow day. I couldn't have made that one up if you paid me a national french fry day
Also known as national french fries day las papas fritas in espanol. Thanks half a credit of high school Spanish
Of course
These are merely examples of the larger multi-day events taking place as I tap tap tap this out

Such as lasagna awareness month horseradish month lost pet prevention month
Cellphone courtesy month hitchhiking month minority tourism month. Where do I begin with the questions
National anti-boredom month national blueberry month national cleft and craniofacial awareness and prevention Month
Why does that sound sexual to me national doghouse repairs month sarcoma awareness month itself a part of Plastic free july

UV safety awareness month
I guess that's a campaign for proper care and storage of black lights and by association bongs and it is officially an Unlucky month for
Weddings, which is taking place during the 44 days reserved for air conditioning appreciation starting
Of course on july 3rd during the international year of plant health hugging trees good mowing lawn bad as a Subcategory

National culinary arts month is also home to of course
Blueberries hot dogs baked beans bison if dead in cooking falls under this heading ice cream the absolute most Important food
Group and peaches on a slight tangent
These edibles will perfectly fit to your plans if you're celebrating national family of reunion month or national
Picnic month

Which could be celebrated in conjunction with national parks and recreation month
What was I typing about again
Oh, yeah, where the f*ck are you
Anyway, every time I rode the bus to public school, which I avoided exceptionally well
But did occur on the ride home

I set next to Paula our bus was the first to arrive more than an hour early and the last to leave more than an
Hour after seventh and eighth grade were at a separate school and the high schoolers got on before us
No one ever sat next to Paula as she placed her bag on the seat next to her and strategically near the front
Everyone knows the Radice students rode in the back the lone single space seat being reserved for royalty

By the time the bus would arrive at Corbett all the seats were already taken
When mischievous Patti locked the two of us outside on that aforementioned elsewhere holiday gathering Mentioned here in another essay
Among the things we discussed as we determinedly quaffed one bottle of beer every five minutes for five straight Hours a 108 each was why she always looked at me every time like I was really bothering her before she would Grunt an irritation and move her

Bag, so I could have space to sit
According to her she had assumed that I was older than her despite obviously being in a lower grade
She was offended that the blue-eyed boy next door with the full beard and the headphones on both of which were Grounds for suspension
On or off campus never chatted her up and hit on her

Paula is two years older than me and the youngest of the Roberts girls
She now lives near Dallas has been married and divorced to the same man twice and is employed by Raytheon the World's largest weapons
Manufacturer in
Personnel assignment and deployment management the last time I saw her I was a few years ago over Christmas

She was visiting next door and smoking cigarettes while drinking beers on the back porch
And I was in shorts and nothing else playing in the very rare snow in my backyard
She hugged me over the low chain-link fence dividing at the time
And we both shed tears for the tragic theft and sale of my daughter and her niece Callista Eon McKenzie

I have two separate PDF text thread conversations of both her phone numbers in many cloud accounts and hard Drives
They haven't yet been published though. They will be in the interest of complete record of events that transpired Over the decade
She was always the one that would remain up with me all night until morning
Drinking many bottles of beer long after the rest of the family gathered and retired to sleep

She is recorded passing along gaslighting lies directly from Thomas Wayne Randall with glaringly obvious
Inconsistencies from day to day also recorded is her admitting that she in fact had not spoken to her oldest sister at All
But when pressed that she was merely relating what Tommy had told her to say
To this day since she asked me to marry her four years ago

Neither her nor Priscilla have actually heard Patty's voice only Tommy's and
Text conversations with someone claiming to be her as anyone who is familiar with even a few dozen of my Publications
Both of us have distinctive choices of speech patterns
She very deliberately does not use even the most kindergarten grade popular profanity

To the extent of referring to her breasts at cheechies and penises as peepees
This requires an heroic effort of linguistic acrobatics when conversing with other adults one with she navigates With practice precision
Seamlessly listening to her choices of diction is to behold in awe and inspiring performance of flowing Uninterrupted sentences
You're not so humble prophet as surely observed most often chooses to use the words left over in the modern

Vernacular that st. Patricia has not deigned to pronounce previously
Patty is tiny in stature and soft-spoken at every family gathering over the decades of which there were a fairly good Amount
I spent most of my time with my attention and raptured with her presence
Observing the prettiest and most intelligent person

I've ever witnessed be ignored with willful malice and derision by those around her her supposed family
I made it a point to engage her in sharing our attentions as much as possible
Which meant that very suddenly I was assigned urgent tasks that only I could possibly accomplish
The most common one being to procure more intoxicants for the crowd assembled

Paula in particular has given me the keys to her newly traded in updated Audi eight minutes before midnight with Her credit card in hand
To make the last run to the store for more beer more times than I can remember
Probably because I was really drunk at the time
These people like those who sired me and so many others have taught me that family is truly one of the only Obscene words

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