Pirelli's Miracle Elixir
Stephen Sondheim, Angela Lansbury, Ken Jennings, Joaquín Romaguera, Len Cariou
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Ladies and gentlemen! May I have your attention, please? Do you wake every morning in shame and despair To discover your pillow is covered with hair What ought not to be there? Well, ladies and gentlemen From now on, you can waken at ease You need never again have a worry or care I will show you a miracle, marvelous, rare Gentlemen, you are about to see something That rose from the dead On the top of my head Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen I was struck with a horrible Dermatologic disease Though the finest physicians in London were called I awakened one morning amazed and appalled To discover with dread that my head was as bald As a novice's knees I was dying of shame 'Til a gentleman came An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name He give me a liquid as precious as gold I rubbed it in daily like what I was told And behold! Only thirty days old! 'Twas Pirelli's Miracle Elixir That's what did the trick, sir True, sir, true Was it quick, sir? Did it in a tick, sir Just like an elixir Ought to do! How about a bottle, mister? Only costs a penny, guaranteed Penny buys a bottle, I don't know (go ahead and tug, sir) You don't need (go ahead, sir, harder) Ah, let's go! Does Pirelli's Stimulate the growth, sir? You can have my oath, sir 'Tis unique Rub a minute Stimulating, innit? Soon you'll have to thin it Once a week! Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed! Penny buys a bottle, might as well (how about a sample?) (Wotcher think?) Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell? Isn't it a crime they let these urchins clog the pavement? Penny buys a bottle, does it? (That's enough, sir, ample) (Go ahead and try it, what the hell) Gently dab it Gets to be a habit Soon there'll be enough, sir Somebody can grab it See that chap with Hair like Shelley's? You can tell he's Used Pirelli's Let me have a bottle Make that two Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench? (Then again I could get some for Harry) Are we standing near an open trench? (How about a beer?) Must be standing near an open trench (you know a pub?) Bye, bye (I'm just passing by) (there's one close by) (pass it by) Buy Pirelli's Miracle Elixir Anything what's slick, sir Soon sprouts curls Try Pirelli's When they see how thick, sir You can have your pick, sir Of the girls Want to buy a bottle, missus? What is this? Propagates the hair, sir (what is this?) (Penny for a bottle) Smells like piss (what was that?) Smells like-phew! (He says it smells like piss) Looks like piss (says it smells like piss) (would not touch it if I was you, dear!) (Wotcher think?) How about a sample, mister? (This is piss) Piss with ink! Let me smell that bottle I don't want no ink piss! What is this? (Never mind that madman, mister) (What does that smell like to you, sir?) Give us back our money! Give 'em back their money! (What does that smell like to you ma'am?) Where is this Pirelli? Yeah, where is this Pirelli? Let Pirelli's Activate your roots, sir Keep it off your boots, sir Eats right through (Go and get Pirelli!) Yes, get Pirelli's! Use a bottle of it Ladies seem to love it Flies do, too! Hand the bloody money over! Hand the bloody money over! See Pirelli's Miracle Elixir Grow a little wick, sir Then some fuzz The Pirelli's Soon'll make it thick, sir Like a good elixir Always does! Trust Pirelli's If your hair is sick, sir Fix it in the nick, sir Don't look grim Just Pirelli's Miracle Elixir That'll do the trick, sir (What about the money?) If you've got a kick, sir What about the money? Where is this Pirelli? Go and get Pirelli! What about our money? (Tell it to the mixer of the Miracle Elixir) If you've got a kick, sir! (Where's Pirelli?) Talk to him!
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Written by: Stephen Sondheim
Lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc.
Lyrics Licensed & Provided by LyricFind
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"Pirelli's Miracle Elixir Lyrics." Lyrics.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 3 Jun 2024. <https://www.lyrics.com/lyric-lf/12832119/Stephen+Sondheim/Pirelli%27s+Miracle+Elixir>.
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