24 or 25, Los Angeles

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The Author

An author is a person who created (or is creating) a written work such as a book, poem, or article. more »

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How many addictions did I have to suffer to find the courage to admit what I wanted

Now I'm in Los Angeles
I'm twenty-four or twenty-five, pretending to be an actor and a writer
As if the fraudulence of each claim would cancel out the incredibility of the other
"I just moved from New York," is what I'd say
No matter how long after the fact
No matter who asked
Completely ashamed to admit I was living in Hollywood, worse even
West Hollywood, the gayest place on earth
A hero's journey you'd never want to read, certainly not write

During this period of my life, a pale blue abstraction
I only remember moments of ready-made literature
Whiskey for breakfast, drug-tossed salads
Getting over you was an embarrassing tale that never found conclusion
It's for experience, I said to no one, because no one asked, because I never shared
Maybe if I write about it
Yeah, and what if words could disappear the past
Could make miracles believable
And I just follow my senses onto the page
And through the page and into the room with you
Dear reader, who holds my life in her hands

There's a bluebird in my heart that wanted to get out
But Los Angeles is such a lonely place
Lost in an autistic void, I had nothing going, no auditions
My managers were frauds, and I hated acting
And writing? I wasn't even trying

All I could determine was that my personality itself was at best a poem
Where 'poem' is understood as referring to the failure of language
To be equal to the possibilities it suggests
A subtext of romance underscored by the despair of all time

Those days
Curled pages turned with no bookmark
Puckered lips, all smooches

At a certain point in the story
You come to give up all the old ambitions
You see them for what they were
Fantastical scribblings of an imaginary life
You were bound to nothing, no words
The world makes no commission from your failures
Nor from your successes
Every decision is a mistake just as every decision is a prophecy
You the prophet are only as stupid as your indecisions
You the moron are only as smart as your decisions
You are not brilliant because you are miserable
And you are not stupid because you are happy
Unloved implies love
Love implies nothing

Time laughs after it's passed and finished
And since laughing is permitted you too may make of it a mockery
Perhaps through writing I could become someone else

 The easy, fast & fun way to learn how to sing: 30DaySinger.com