The Contest

I am Adolfo Pirelli Da king of da barbers, da barber of kings E buon giorno, good day I blow you a kiss! And I, da so-famous Pirelli I wish-a to know Who has-a da nerve-a to say My elixir is-a piss! Who says this? I do I am Mr. Sweeney Todd I have opened this bottle of Pirelli's elixir And I say to you it is nothing but an arrant fraud And furthermore-"Signor"-I have serviced no kings Yet I wager that I can shave a cheek and pull a tooth With ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank! You hear zis foolish-a man? Watch and-a see how he will regret his-a folly! Will Beadle Bamford be the judge? Glad, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors Ready? Ready! Ready The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner Now, signorini, signori We mix-a da lather But first-a you gather Around, signorini, signori You looking a man Who have had-a da glory To shave-a da Pope! Mr Sweeney-so-smart Oh, I beg-a your pardon-'ll Call me a liar, was-a only a cardinal Nope! It was-a da Pope! Perhaps, signorini, signori You'd like-a I tell-a Da famous-a story Of Queen Isabella Da queen of-a Polan Whose toot' was-a swollen I pull it so nice from her mout' That-a though to begin she's a screaming-a murder She's later-a swoon-a with bliss an' was heard-a To shout "Pull all of them out!" To shave-a da face To pull-a da toot' Require da grace And not-a da brute For if-a you slip You nick da skin You clip-a da chin You rip-a da lip a bit And that's-a da trut'! To shave-a da face Or even a part Widout it-a smart Require da heart It take-a da art I show you a chart I study-a starting in my yout'! To cut-a da hair To trim-a da beard To make-a da bristle Clean like a whistle Dis is from early infancy Da talent give to me By God! It take-a da skill It take-a da brains It take-a da will To take-a da pains It take-a da pace It take-a da grace The winner is Todd! And now, who's for a tooth pulling-free without charge! Oh, me, sir Me, sir Who else? No one? Then, sir, since there is no means to test the second skill I claim the victory Wait! One moment Wait! You, boy! Get on that chair! Me, Signor? Not a tooth, sir, I beg of you! I ain't got a twinge, not the slightest pain You do now! We see who is zee victor now! Ready? Ready! Ready To pull-a da toot' Widout-a da skill Can damage da root Now hold-a da still! An' if-a you slip You grip a bit You hit da pit of it Or chip-a da tip And have-a to fill To pull-a da toot' Widout-a da grace You leave-a da space All over da place You try to erase Widout-a da trace Sometimes is da case You even-a kill To hold-a da clamp Widout-a da cramp Wid all dat saliva It could-a drive-a You crazy Don' mutter Or back-a you go to da gutter! My touch is as light as a butter-a Cup! I take-a da pains I learn-a da art I use-a da brains I give-a da heart I have-a da grace I win-a da race! I give-a da up