Titties and Beer

Frank ZappaFrank Zappa 

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Frank Zappa

Frank Vincent Zappa (December 21, 1940 – December 4, 1993) was an American composer, singer-songwriter, guitarist, recording engineer, record producer and film director. In a career spanning more than 30 years, Zappa wrote rock, jazz, orchestral and musique concrète works. He also directed feature-length films and music videos, and designed album covers. Zappa produced almost all of the more than 60 albums he released with the band The Mothers of Invention and as a solo artist. While in his teens, he acquired a taste for 20th-century classical composers such as Edgard Varèse, Igor Stravinsky, and Anton Webern along with 1950s rhythm and blues music. He began writing classical music in high school, while at the same time playing drums in rhythm and blues bands… more »

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It was the blackest night 
There was no moon in sight 
You know the stars ain't shinin' 
'Cause the sky's too tight 
I heard the scary wind 
I seen some ugly trees 
There was a werewolf honkin' 
'Long the side of me 
I'm mean 'n I'm bad, why'know I ain't no sissy 
Got a big-titty girly by the name of Chrissy 
Talkin' about her 'n my bike 'n me . . . 
'N this ride up the Mountain of Mystery, mystery 

I noticed even the crickets 
Were actin' weird up here 
'N so I figured I might 
Just drink a little beer 
I said, "Gimme summa that what yer suckin' on . . . " 
But there was no reply 
'Cause she was gone . . . 

"Where's those titties I like so well, 'n my goddamn beer!" 
Is what I started to yell, then I heard this noise 
Like a crunchin' twig, 'n up jumped the Devil . . . 
He's about this big . . . 

He had a red suit on 
An' a widow's peak 
An' then a pointed tail 
'N like a sulphur reek 
Yes, it was him alright, 
I sweared I knowed it was 
He had some human flesh 
Stuck underneath his claws 
Y'know, it looked to me 
Like it was titty skin 
I said, "You son of a bitch!" 
'Cause I was mad at him, 
Well he just got out his floss 
'N started cleanin' his fang 
So I shot him with my shooter, 
Said: BANG BANG BANG 

Then the sucker just laughed 'n said: 
Bozzio: Oh, put it away . . . 
You know, I ate her all up . . . now what you gonna say? 
Frank: You ate my Chrissy? 
Bozzio: Titties 'n all! 
Frank: Well, what about the beer then, boy? 
Bozzio: Ah . . . Were the cans this tall? 
Frank: Even her boots? 
Bozzio: Would I lie to you? 
Frank: Shit, you musta been hungry! 
Bozzio: Yes, this is true. 
Frank: Don't they pay you good
For the stuff that you do? 
Bozzio: Well, you know
I can't complain when the checks come through . . . 
Frank: Well I want my Chrissy,
'N I want my beer
So you just barf it back up
Now, Devil, do you hear? 
Bozzio: Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man!
I mean, I am the Devil, 
Do you understand?
Just what will you give me for your 
Titties and beer?
I suppose you noticed this little contract here . . . 
Frank: Yer goddam right, you
Son-of-a-whore 
Bozzio: Don't call me that! 
Frank: That's about the only reason I learned writin' for . . . 
Gimme that paper . . . bet yer ass I will sign . . . 
Because I need a beer,
'N it's titty-squeezin' time! 
Bozzio: Man, you can't fool me . . . you ain't that bad . . . 
I mean you shoulda seen some of the souls that I've had . . . 
Frank: Oh, yeah? 
Bozzio: Why there was Milhous Nixon 'n Agnew, too . . . 
'N both of those suckers was worse 'n you . . . 
Frank: Well, let's make a deal if you think that's true
I mean, you're the Devil so . . . 
Whatcha gonna do? 

Bozzio: Wait a minute . . . a tinge of doubt crosses my mind when you say that you want to make a deal with me . . . 
Frank: That's very, very true . . . 
Bozzio: Wait . . . you ain't supposed to want to make a deal with me 
Frank: Ah, but I'm slightly different than your average customer, Devil . . . 
Bozzio: But, wait . . . but most people don't want to make a deal with me . . . Wha . . . 
Frank: Yeah . . . 
Bozzio: What's your story? 
Frank: Well, most people are afraid of you, see? They don't know how stupid you are . . . I happen to know that you jack off to a picture of Punky Meadows when you get home . . . 
Bozzio: Grrarh . . . Stupid . . . Grrarh . . . 
Frank: You know . . . ever since that guy told you that he contained more fluid than Jeff Beck you've been tryin' to outdo him . . . Awright, look, I'm gonna say one thing to you . . . this may not register right away, but let me say this . . . leave your pickle alone for a couple of nights, you know what I mean . . . ? Now, come on! I'm only interested in a couple of things . . . (Wait, is that a note for me? Is somebody passing me a note? What does this say . . . ? "Frank, please do me a favour, I can't find a brother of mine, I could dig it if you could call him from stage. His name is Dirty Tom Nomads M.C.," signed "Thanks, Bear" or "Bean," I can't tell . . . Well, if he's out there . . . Dirty Tony De La Nomads M.C. get in touch with Bean or Bear . . .) And as I was sayin', Devil, I'm an average sort of a person, I'm . . . you wouldn't believe it, but . . . I'm very much like the people here in this audience tonight . . . 
Bozzio: What? 
Frank: I think we definitely have something in common . . . 
Bozzio: Wait a minute, I thought you had funny things growing in your hair and all that other stuff . . . I thought . . . write weird music, you know, I thought . . . 
Frank: Listen . . . 
Bozzio: . . . biker and everything, I mean, shit, you know? 
Frank: . . . listen carefully . . . 
Bozzio: . . . big titty chic that you just had out here with the camera, I mean, you know . . . 
Frank: Listen carefully to me, oh, Devil . . . 
Terry: Uh-huh . . . 
Frank: I'm only interested in two things 
Bozzio: Yeah . . . 
Frank: See if you can guess what they are
Bozzio: I would think . . . uh . . . let's see, maybe . . . uh . . . 
Frank: Well, I'll give you . . . 
Bozzio: Stravinsky . . . and, uh . . . 
Frank: I'll give you two clues . . . 
Bozzio: . . . let's see . . . uh . . . 
Frank: Let go of your pickle
Bozzio: What?
Frank: Let go of your pickle!
Bozzio: I'm not holding my pickle
Frank: Well, who's holding your pickle then?
Bozzio: I don't know . . . ha! She's out in the audience . . . Hey, Dale, would you like to come up here and hold my pickle to satisfy this weird man out here on the stage?
Frank: You're probably wondering why we call it a pickle . . . 
Ray: Ha ha ha! 
Bozzio: Oh, no . . . 
Frank: I don't . . . I hate . . . I hate to squeal on you, Bozzio, I mean, Devil . . . but, look, I'm only interested in two things . . . 
Bozzio: Now, wait a minute . . . all I have to say is God help me! . . . Even though I have this . . . this fucking mask on . . . 
Frank: Ha ha ha ha ha . . . ! Listen, if you think that mask looks bad, you oughta see his pickle . . . I'm only interested in two things, that's titties and beer, you know what I mean? 
Bozzio: What?
Frank: Yeah . . . 
Bozzio: Titties and beer?
Frank: Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer . . . 
Bozzio: (Growling) Whoa, I don't know if you're the right guy!
Frank: . . . titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer . . . 

Bozzio: No! Don't sign it! Give me time to think . . . 
I mean . . . 
Frank: Alright! 
Bozzio: Hold on a second, boy . . . 
'Cause that's Magic Ink! 

Frank:And then the Devil let go of his pickle
'N out jumped m'girl
They heard the titties PLOP-PLOPPIN'
All around the world, she said: 
"I GOT ME THREE BEERS 'N A FIST FULLA DOWNS,
AN' I'M GONNA GET RIPPED, SO F*CK YOU CLOWNS!" 
Then she gave us the finger,
It was rigid 'n stiff,
That's when the Devil, he farted 
An' she went right over the cliff 
(Whoa . . . Tinsel Time!) 
Well, the Devil was mad
I took off to my pad 
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there? 
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there? 
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do declare!
How did she get back there?
I swear I do de . . .

Alright, Well, yeah, that's enough of the Devil and his famous pickle, we're going to make another dramatic, if... if, somewhat... rickety segue into another song called Cruising for Burgers, wait a minute...

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