A Little Priest
MRS. LOVETT: Seems a downright shame... TODD: Shame? LOVETT: Seems an awful waste... Such a nice, plump frame Wot's 'is name has... Had... Has! Nor it can't be traced... Bus'ness needs a lift, Debts to be erased... Think of it as thrift, As a gift, If you get my drift! No? Seems an awful waste... I mean, with the price of meat What it is, When you get it, If you get it... TODD: HAH! LOVETT: Good, you got it! Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop! Bus'ness never better using only pussycats and toast! And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most! And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste! [Simultaneously] TODD: Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion LOVETT: Well, it does seem a waste... TODD: Eminently practical And yet appropriate as always! LOVETT: It's an idea... TODD: Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived Without you all these years, I'll never know! How delectable! Also undetectable! LOVETT: Think about it! Lots of other gentlemen'll Soon be comin' for a shave, Won't they? Think of All them Pies! TODD: How choice! How Rare! TODD: For what's the sound of the world out there? LOVETT: What, Mr. Todd? What, Mr. Todd? What is that sound? TODD: Those crunching noises pervading the air! LOVETT: Yes, Mr. Todd! Yes, Mr. Todd! Yes, all around! TODD: It's man devouring man, my dear! BOTH: And [LOVETT: Then] who are we to deny it in here? TODD: (spoken) These are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for! LOVETT: Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven! TODD: What is that? LOVETT: It's priest. Have a little priest. TODD: Is it really good? LOVETT: Sir, it's too good, at least! Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh, So it's pretty fresh. TODD: Awful lot of fat. LOVETT: Only where it sat. TODD: Haven't you got poet, or something like that? LOVETT: No, y'see, the trouble with poet is 'Ow do you know it's deceased? Try the priest! TODD: (spoken) Heavenly! Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps, But then again, not as bland as curate, either! LOVETT: And good for business, too -- always leaves you wantin' more! Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays! Lawyer's rather nice. TODD: If it's for a price. LOVETT: Order something else, though, to follow, Since no one should swallow it twice! TODD: Anything that's lean. LOVETT: Well, then, if you're British and loyal, You might enjoy Royal Marine! Anyway, it's clean. Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been! TODD: Is that squire, On the fire? LOVETT: Mercy no, sir, look closer, You'll notice it's grocer! TODD: Looks thicker, More like vicar! LOVETT: No, it has to be grocer -- It's green! TODD: The history of the world, my love -- LOVETT: Save a lot of graves, Do a lot of relatives favors! TODD: Is those below serving those up above! LOVETT: Ev'rybody shaves, So there should be plenty of flavors! TODD: How gratifying for once to know BOTH: That those above will serve those down below! LOVETT: (spoken) Now let's see, here... We've got tinker. TODD: Something... pinker. LOVETT: Tailor? TODD: Paler. LOVETT: Butler? TODD: Subtler. LOVETT: Potter? TODD: Hotter. LOVETT: Locksmith? Lovely bit of clerk. TODD: Maybe for a lark. LOVETT: Then again there's sweep If you want it cheap And you like it dark! Try the financier, Peak of his career! TODD: That looks pretty rank. LOVETT: Well, he drank, It's a bank Cashier. Never really sold. Maybe it was old. TODD: Have you any Beadle? LOVETT: Next week, so I'm told! Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and Notice 'ow well it's been greased... Stick to priest! (spoken) Now then, this might be a little bit stringy, But then of course it's... fiddle player! TODD: No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo player! LOVETT: 'Ow can you tell? TODD: It's piping hot! LOVETT: Then blow on it first! TODD: The history of the world, my sweet -- LOVETT: Oh, Mr. Todd, Ooh, Mr. Todd, What does it tell? TODD: Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat! LOVETT: And, Mr. Todd, Too, Mr. Todd, Who gets to sell! TODD: But fortunately, it's also clear BOTH: That [L: But] ev'rybody goes down well with beer! LOVETT: (spoken) Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear admiral? TODD: Too salty. I prefer general. LOVETT: With, or without his privates? "With" is extra. TODD: What is that? LOVETT: It's fop. Finest in the shop. And we have some shepherd's pie peppered With actual shepherd on top! And I've just begun -- Here's the politician, so oily It's served with a doily, Have one! TODD: Put it on a bun. Well, you never know if it's going to run! LOVETT: Try the friar, Fried, it's drier! TODD: No, the clergy is really Too coarse and too mealy! LOVETT: Then actor, That's compacter! TODD: Yes, and always arrives overdone! I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu! LOVETT: (spoken) Wait! True, we don't have judge yet, But we've got something you might fancy even better. TODD: What's that? LOVETT: Executioner! TODD: Have charity towards the world, my pet! LOVETT: Yes, yes, I know, my love! TODD: We'll take the customers that we can get! LOVETT: High-born and low, my love! TODD: We'll not discriminate great from small! No, we'll serve anyone, Meaning anyone, BOTH: And to anyone At all!
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