A Little Priest [From Sweeney Todd]

Len CariouLen Cariou 

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Len Cariou

Leonard Joseph "Len" Cariou (born September 30, 1939) is a Canadian actor, best known for his portrayal of Sweeney Todd in the original cast of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, for which he won the Tony Award for Best Actor in a Musical, and for playing the patriarch Henry Reagan, NYPD Police Commissioner (retired), in the multi-generational television series Blue Bloods on CBS. more »

Year:

1995

7:15

121 Views

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#6

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MRS. LOVETT:
Seems a downright shame... 
TODD: Shame? 
LOVETT:
Seems an awful waste... 
Such a nice, plump frame
Wot's 'is name has... 
Had... 
Has! 
Nor it can't be traced... 
Bus'ness needs a lift, 
Debts to be erased... 
Think of it as thrift, 
As a gift, 
If you get my drift! 

No? 

Seems an awful waste... 
I mean, with the price of meat
What it is, 
When you get it, 
If you get it... 

TODD: HAH! 
LOVETT:
Good, you got it! 

Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop! 
Bus'ness never better using only pussycats and toast! 
And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most! 
And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste! 

[Simultaneously]

TODD:
Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion
LOVETT:
Well, it does seem a waste... 

TODD:
Eminently practical
And yet appropriate as always! 
LOVETT:
It's an idea... 

TODD:
Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived
Without you all these years, I'll never know! 
How delectable! 
Also undetectable! 
LOVETT:
Think about it! 
Lots of other gentlemen'll
Soon be comin' for a shave, 
Won't they? 
Think of
All them
Pies! 

TODD:
How choice! 

How
Rare! 

TODD:
For what's the sound of the world out there? 
LOVETT:
What, Mr. Todd? 
What, Mr. Todd? 
What is that sound? 
TODD:
Those crunching noises pervading the air! 
LOVETT:
Yes, Mr. Todd! 
Yes, Mr. Todd! 
Yes, all around! 
TODD:
It's man devouring man, my dear! 
BOTH:
And [LOVETT: Then] who are we to deny it in here? 

TODD: (spoken) These are desperate times, 
Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for! 
LOVETT: Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven! 
TODD: What is that? 

LOVETT:
It's priest. Have a little priest.
TODD:
Is it really good? 
LOVETT:
Sir, it's too good, at least! 
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh, 
So it's pretty fresh.
TODD:
Awful lot of fat.
LOVETT:
Only where it sat.
TODD:
Haven't you got poet, or something like that? 
LOVETT:
No, y'see, the trouble with poet is
'Ow do you know it's deceased? 
Try the priest! 

TODD: (spoken) Heavenly! 
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps, 
But then again, not as bland as curate, either! 

LOVETT:
And good for business, too -- always leaves you wantin' more! 
Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays! 

Lawyer's rather nice.
TODD:
If it's for a price.
LOVETT:
Order something else, though, to follow, 
Since no one should swallow it twice! 
TODD:
Anything that's lean.
LOVETT:
Well, then, if you're British and loyal, 
You might enjoy Royal Marine! 
Anyway, it's clean.
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been! 
TODD:
Is that squire, 
On the fire? 
LOVETT:
Mercy no, sir, look closer, 
You'll notice it's grocer! 
TODD:
Looks thicker, 
More like vicar! 
LOVETT:
No, it has to be grocer --
It's green! 

TODD:
The history of the world, my love --
LOVETT:
Save a lot of graves, 
Do a lot of relatives favors! 
TODD:
Is those below serving those up above! 
LOVETT:
Ev'rybody shaves, 
So there should be plenty of flavors! 
TODD:
How gratifying for once to know
BOTH:
That those above will serve those down below! 

LOVETT: (spoken) Now let's see, here... We've got tinker.
TODD: Something... pinker.
LOVETT: Tailor? 
TODD: Paler.
LOVETT: Butler? 
TODD: Subtler.
LOVETT: Potter? 
TODD: Hotter.
LOVETT: Locksmith? 

Lovely bit of clerk.
TODD:
Maybe for a lark.
LOVETT:
Then again there's sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark! 
Try the financier, 
Peak of his career! 
TODD:
That looks pretty rank.
LOVETT:
Well, he drank, 
It's a bank
Cashier.
Never really sold.
Maybe it was old.
TODD:
Have you any Beadle? 
LOVETT:
Next week, so I'm told! 
Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and
Notice 'ow well it's been greased... 
Stick to priest! 

(spoken) Now then, this might be a little bit stringy, 
But then of course it's... fiddle player! 
TODD: No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo player! 
LOVETT: 'Ow can you tell? 
TODD: It's piping hot! 
LOVETT: Then blow on it first! 

TODD:
The history of the world, my sweet --
LOVETT:
Oh, Mr. Todd, 
Ooh, Mr. Todd, 
What does it tell? 
TODD:
Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat! 
LOVETT:
And, Mr. Todd, 
Too, Mr. Todd, 
Who gets to sell! 
TODD:
But fortunately, it's also clear
BOTH:
That [L: But] ev'rybody goes down well with beer! 

LOVETT: (spoken)
Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear admiral? 
TODD: Too salty. I prefer general.
LOVETT: With, or without his privates? "With" is extra.

TODD: What is that? 
LOVETT:
It's fop.
Finest in the shop.
And we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd on top! 
And I've just begun --
Here's the politician, so oily
It's served with a doily, 
Have one! 
TODD:
Put it on a bun.
Well, you never know if it's going to run! 
LOVETT:
Try the friar, 
Fried, it's drier! 
TODD:
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy! 
LOVETT:
Then actor, 
That's compacter! 
TODD:
Yes, and always arrives overdone! 
I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu! 

LOVETT: (spoken) Wait! True, we don't have judge yet, 
But we've got something you might fancy even better.
TODD: What's that? 
LOVETT: Executioner! 

TODD:
Have charity towards the world, my pet! 
LOVETT:
Yes, yes, I know, my love! 
TODD:
We'll take the customers that we can get! 
LOVETT:
High-born and low, my love! 
TODD:
We'll not discriminate great from small! 
No, we'll serve anyone, 
Meaning anyone, 
BOTH:
And to anyone
At all!

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