Richard the Third (He's in the Business Now)

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Ivor Biggun

Robert "Doc" Cox (born 1 July 1946), also known as Ivor Biggun, is a British musician and former television journalist. He is known for his appearances on the BBC TV programme That's Life! from 1982 to 1992 and for four albums of humorous, smutty songs. Currently resident in Suffolk, he is active in several pub bands, including the Trembling Wheelbarrows. more »

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"Is she really going out with him?"
"There she is, let's ask her"
"Betty, is it true he's got reproductive organs like a rhionosterus?"
"That's quite preposterous! By the way, what are all those seagulls doing in here?"
"I don't know. Betty, what's his name?"

His name was Stanley
He was so strong and manly
But left without saying a word
But since everybody pooed on him
He's got a brand pseudonym
And now he's called Richard the Turd

He was straining in the throne room
On a blunt, tony torpedo
He was not privy to the fact the seat was loose
Then he fell right down the plumbin'
Through the place you put your bum in
And flushed with pride he floated down the sluice

It was dark down there
Through the narrow pipes he wriggled
'Til he came to where the khaki river flows
Through a fragrant tide of ooze
And a million number twos
He swam slowly
'Cause he had to hold his nose

"Why didn't he shout for help?"
"It would have been impolite to speak with his mouth full"

So he's going through the motions in the dark and lumpy pools
By the brown and heaving ocean since he fell between two stools
He's in the business deep in caverns measureless to man
Stan - Stan - Stan Winterbottom it was
The man, the man, who fell down the pan
He was a gynecologist, in Rotherham

From bog forever umber
From sea to shining seashore
He considered people's doings
As they floated by
He reviewed the human species
As he drifted through their faeces
Life's strains he viewed with philosophic eye

We are all just turds
And the world's a pile of doodie
And life is just a journey down the sewer
But a man can struggle through
And face his Waterloo
And a rose smells sweetly
When it's growing in manure

"And in that one moment everything he'd left behind him passed before his eyes"

So he went through the motions and he swam the fetid pools
Past the oceans with no deckchairs but an awful lot of stools
And he squeezed back up the dungpipe round the bend where Harpic goes
And said "Dear friends, I'm back again!"
And everybody held their nose! (Hardly surprising, really)

"Flippin'eck - here come all those seagulls again"
I ran up to Stanley, I wanted to wipe away all memory of his movements down there in the bowels of the earth
I told him I'd thought of him every day he'd been (interred) in-turd, but he pushed me away
"Darling, what's wrong, are you dysentery-ested in me?" He looked at me, and I'll never forget the words he said
"Betty, when I was down there I discovered the meaning of life
Don't force me into a marriage of convenience, I've just come out of the closet"

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