Mental Torture

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Yeah
I guess it's too late to go back, huh?
Wish things were different.
I guess I didn't see your pain
But you didn't see mine either

When you were struggling I moved to your house to get you stable
When I was kicked out you brought me in
I'll always be grateful
In Arizona I finally was mentally healthy
And when I needed them most they ditched me and you helped me

Everything fell apart and I caved when they dropped me
I had a girl I woulda married now she didn't talk to me
I did my best but you know long distance had always got me
I even begged her to move in before her parents blocked me

I remember the last time I would ever have called her
She wanted us to stay in contact, I declined the offer
And now I'm by myself and
All this was because I couldn't shut up when fighting with my cousin when she would Roar and holler!

I guess I understand why you would think I blame you for it
But that was not the reason why I'm in your face and roaring!
Imagine being the one to take the brunt of the mental war you get
That's stormin' when you have a flash and back in time you're going

I am not the one who fucked you up when you were snoring
I would never hurt you on purpose and bitch you fucking know it
I am not your brother your father or mother
I am your SON
And it is time that you treat me like one.

I did everything to gain your acceptance
There's no exception!
I only ever scream when I'm threatened so quit pretending!
I'm NOT saying it's all your fault, but don't you ever think
To put it all on me while you're back there bashing your head in

As if I'm the one who caused all your problems and just ignored you!
You were just as hostile and rude
So I got nothing for you!
If you're offended that I am speaking my mind
You're surprising no one
Go on. Blow up. It's mental torture

Imagine being the son of a mother who tried to kill herself
And openly blames you for it and says she's locked inside your cell
And tells you she would rather have you homeless than be near her
Imagine what it's like for you to hear that

I am not the one who hurt you
Why do I even have to tell you
You're going through things I'm not used to
But that don't mean
I forgive you

Cuz I am not the one who disowned you
I'd kill myself before I did
But living here is mental torture
I don't want to be the one who kills you

Whenever I disagree you think I'm tryina fight you
You think I'm making you suffer every day to spite you
I wanna say how I feel but it can't fit in this verse
All the stress I can't handle it keeps on getting worse

I'm done being the brunt of it all
Always scared that you're calling the cops
For doing something I never would do
Its the same thing your dad did to you
Why the f*ck would you picture me
As this hellish imp who wants to hear you scream?
We can't go five minutes without tryna
Kill each other, do you know what that means?

It means now I am the one who is holding the label the others had
The evil one who is better off living somewhere else so we don't get mad
The kind of person that I never thought I would live to see the day I'd become
The one who makes his own mom want to fucking kill herself just by being around.

There is no way I could bring myself to do anything that you said I would do
The flashbacks make you lose yourself and make you forget who I am to you
I understand that you're sick and I know the things that you said you never meant
But the things you did still hurt and
It'll take a LONG TIME to forgive what you've said

Cuz I am not the one who hurt you all those years ago
Why do I even have to tell you? You should already know
You're going through things I'm not used to
But that don't mean
I forgive you

Cuz I am not the one who disowned you
I'd kill myself before I ever did that to you
But living here is mental torture
I don't want to be the one who kills you.

I'm so done
I'm so done
I'm so numb
I'm so numb

And now I wonder,
Were the tears and the pain worth it?
I look over the years, it's so insane and so imperfect
This year has been the worst in my life but I'm still searching
I'm waiting to finally get that call from that sad person,

"Excuse me sir, are you Mr. Andrew McDonald?
There's no easy way to tell you, I'm sorry, it's your mom.
She overdosed from Xanax, I know that you guys were close--"
That's when I scream and tell him "NO I WAS NOT BUT I WISH I WAS!"

DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW IT KILLS ME TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS?!
YOU THINK THAT IF YOU DIED I WOULD LAUGH AND SAY WHAT A RIDDANCE?!
F*CK YOU!!!
I KNOW THAT I'M HARD TO DEAL WITH
BUT THIS AIN'T NECESSARY!
HEARING YOU SCREAM IN MY FACE
IT SCARS ME, IT FUCKING SCARES ME!

AND NOW IT'S GOT TO THE POINT WHERE
I FREEZE AT LOUD NOISES
AND RAISED VOICES AND CARS HONKING
IT MAKES ME NAUSEOUS!
THINKING ABOUT WHAT I'VE SAID
IT MAKES ME FEEL SO WORTHLESS;
MY CHOICES MADE ME A SCUMBAG
AND NOW I STAND HOPELESS!

Cuz I am not the one who hurt you
All those years ago
Why do I even have to tell you
You should already know!
You're going through things I'm not used to
But that don't mean
I forgive you

Cuz I am not the one who disowned you
I'd kill myself before I ever did that to you!
But living here is mental torture
I don't want to be the one who kills you

I love you, Mom.

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