To: Dad?

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Afraid.Of.Oli

5:03

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I've grown bare in the last years, months, days
I was my ma's boy, now I'm man of the house, it's insane
Man try chat to me about uni, worried 'bout their grades
(F*ck your grades)
I'm putting bills to my bills, tryna maintain while I'm in a daze
Putting a face on the table, tryna save face
That's why I don't waste P's on the next craze
When he gets paid, Oli does paying for the food 'cos a meal ain't the same as a graze
Dippin' out the front, put the pause on grace
(Buying drugs is a waste)
I pick up my weed, of course I gotta get waved
F*ck a Porsche, f*ck a Wraith
I gotta get away
Tryna get fans but right now I can barely get a wave
Thrifts instead of the high street chains
That's what you do when you're too far from a raise
(Uhhh retail job? minimum wage? sign me away!)
Name tag slave
I should have a cup, could you spare me some change
I'm in the back garden chuckin' round this rake
In tears 'cos I might as well shovel, make me a grave

I want our bellies full, regardless of what's sittin' in the bank
I want us to do better than our Dad
Better than what we were left with, that's a fact
But you know what's mad?
I just hugged the tears out of her in the loft 'cos clearly my touch weren't too soft
Clearly putting my foot down as big boss?
Too tough

'Cos she said she was upset 'cos she hid a penalty fine from me
'Cos she was worried 'bout what I'd say if I'd find any
She was in tears 'cos hidin' bad things is something you do 
From bad people due to roots of a fear
Worried 'bout a mood meaning tongue in her ear
'Cos a badman who don't act right, gets rude when he hears her plight
And it don't matter how many times, it always ends up in a fight 
And if he finds this shit he might his wife
So she Google's the warning signs
Sees eleven characteristics in him an abuser has, online
Now she feels her time is so near
It's over no matter if the matter is mere
Whether its BS or sincerely sincere
She grabs her son, let's leave him mirror view rear

That's the sign of a woman, scared of domestic abuse
Scarred from my Dad's issues
Now I guess I've officially filled his shoes
All those times you said I was like him, I called bullshit but I guess you knew
'Cos now you step around me on tip toes on each foot
I thought I'd matured but become a monster's what happened as I grew
I hate myself so much I'd leave so she ain't have to go through that
If it weren't for the fact that that's the exact thing my Dad would do, facts
(Facts, facts, facts)
 
Dad-less, broke and mad
A London boy and that
I cut myself shaving, scratch
Another man took me to my first match
I taught myself every other manly thing too, thanks Dad
And don't get it fucked up
I ain't pissed about the job that you did
I'm pissed about the one that you didn't
'Cos figuring out life's a tough enough mission
But doing it one player mode's like gettin'
Gold from the piss that you're pissin'
Surfing on a lake where the water's missin'
Are you sad now? That's the fiddles
Grown since little
This shit raw like 6ix9ine, rainbow, skittles (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

I never know how to, control my anger
It's like i'm doing this, no hands or
No handles
Can't hold me back i'm a Ghost I'm a Phantom
When I'm pissed off, I'm a ranter
And the shit I say is real, no fandom
So you can't brush it off as banter
It's always facts, never random
 
(Yeah)
Bet it's night in Turkey
Bet it's nice in Turkey
Broke so my Nike's still dirty
Took it too literally when they said don't stare at the sun with your eyes
I guess all those emails were to say that "I miss you, sorry I never said bye"
So I sat by
Tryna live my life, a lie
Tryna figure out why you'd hide
Or at least try, thoughts run through my mind

But I wake up every day and you're not here
And we stay in touch but "well done" in text is a silent cheer
Isn't that weird?
Can't put a voice to your words to my ears
After all, it's been at least ten fucking years

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