Ham House

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Will Gant

6:44

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Never forget the first time they met
He'd fallen asleep in the middle of class
Supposed to be taking an important test
But instead of a pencil had his head on the desk

At an Ivy League school mind you one of the best
He was training to become an architect
Professor look up and softly he said, "Are you awake, Everett?"
Everett woke up said, "Yes, yes, yes" and went about cleaning the drool off his desk

He'd stayed up all night to study this shit
Now could not remember which building was which
Supposed to be matching a name to a picture
But for the life of him he could not remember

There were buildings with brick and buildings on stilts
And buildings that wish they had never been built
Houses in this color and others in that
And ones without windows and others all glass

There's a tower that soars and a low-lying morgue
And a big box store and one place without a door
But it all looked the same to Everett
Until he saw one he'll never forget

It was absolutely fantastic, brilliant, magnificent
He was in love

He rushed up front to turn in his test
Said, "Go on, go ahead, just give me an F
To be honest professor I'm awful sick
I best go home and get me some rest

"Before I go I'm so curious
Would you tell me the name of this last one?" he asked
Teacher said, "That one there is the Ham House
It's right here in Connecticut

You haven't seen it before I have to admit
I just threw it on there for a little extra credit"

Mr. and Mrs. Ham were at the driving range
A beautiful day for practicing
Mr. Ham had taught his wife how to swing
She could hammer a ball way out on the green

Her swing was impeccable perfectly clean
It was one of the best that he had ever seen
She shredded the target right off the tee
She could sail a golf ball 900 feet

Meanwhile Everett had showed up at their house
He had to come and check it out
Was the most remarkable place he'd seen before
Went right up and knocked the cleaning lady answered the door

She said, "I'm sorry sir this is a private space"
Says, "Please, ma'am I need one little taste
Glimpse of the inside and I'll be on my way"
Before she could say no he'd stepped into the entryway

"Now sir I have to ask you to leave!"
But Everett already kicked his shoes off his feet
He hung up his coat said, "I'll just be a minute
Now make yourself useful why not show me the kitchen?"

Now the maid got scared she turn and run
Went for the phone to dial 911
But Everett he wanted the house to himself
So this is when the story really goes south

He grabbed ahold of the innocent maid
That poor old lady earning minimum wage
And wrapped her up with a roll of duct tape
Said, "I'm terribly sorry I can't let you escape"

At last Everett had the house all alone
Almost as if it were his actual home
The most beautiful place he'd ever done gone
He said, "This is where I belong"

First thing he did was open the fridge
Took a big swig out of the milk carton
When all of the sudden it dawned on him
Exactly what it was that he would do next

In order to soak in the total experience
He would need a bubble bath rinse
So up to the master bath full steam ahead
To turn on the faucets and get totally naked

Everett bathed he thought, "This is the life"
The Ham House is most certainly paradise

Mr. and Mrs. Ham they were headed back home
They'd packed up their clubs in their convertible
Drove it real fast down a suburban road
Laughing and listening to pop radio

They couldn't have known what was in store
'Till they saw the car of the maid and an open front door
Mr. parked the Mercedes said, "Something is up
Honey I'll go in first why don't you grab the clubs?"

He walked in his kitchen saw a boy at the stove
Who was frying an egg without any clothes
And dripping with water right down to his toes
When all of the sudden up popped two slices of toast

Mr. Ham he let out a gasp
That old man had cardiac arrest
The boy just smiled said, "Thank goodness you're back
Where in tarnation are your bath towels at?"

Right at that moment Mrs. Ham came in with a scream
And gave her golf club a violent swing
Planted the 9 iron on Everett's face
and blew out Everett's Ivy League brain

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