Toolbag Ted from Birkenhead
I always have been handy, I did a bit of do it myself Until it knackered my eyesight and compromised my health Then a geezer popped his napper, over the garden wall "Good day", he said "My name is Ted Can I be of any help at all?" Well I should have said, "No ta, no thanks, no probs" But instead I told 'im all my little jobs An' now he's round my house as soon as I walk out my door Rippin' my missuses drawer's out and banging on the bedroom floor He's Toolbag Ted from Birkenhead, the randy handy man He walks in when I walk out And does a bloody sight better than ever I can When a lady says "I'm desperate An' only your spanner will do" Old Ted he seems to understand He bolts 'round at their command With his nuts held tightly in his hand Rub rub, hammer hammer, bang, screw Where does he get the energy? How can he manage it all? He flashes all around the chimney He hammers up and down the hall If a lady's got a problem That's been troubling her all day An expert prod with his dyno-rod And the problem goes away Mi-ssis Brown she called him on the phone "Oh please come round my husbands not at home..." He re-arranged her portico And banged her beam all day Stripping her chimney breast out And sticking in his R.S.J. He's Toolbag Ted from Birkenhead, the randy handy-man No job too big, no job too small He'll be there whenever he can And if a damsel in distress says "What am I to do?" He services her every need With charm, discretion, tact and speed And satisfaction guaranteed Rub rub, hammer hammer, bang, screw Look at that easy action! Look at that grace and style! As a general rule his expert tool Makes all the ladies smile He's pulling out his plunger And pumping fit to burst In the capable hands of Toolbag Ted The customer comes first This merry Merseysider is always making housecalls The ladies ring his number and this randy handy scouse calls Some husbands do not like it when he does what he does best But most let him get on with it, they're grateful for the rest And aren't you glad, when an expert comes to call And sorts out your old boiler and doesn't charge at all? And in her darkest corners he will make a final stand Halfway up her skirting with his stopcock in his hand Toolbag Ted from Birkenhead, the randy handy-man A knight in shining overalls He'll be there whenever he can He never leaves a job half done and always sees it through A set of drawers might need a knob A whatsit need a thingummy bob In fact he's always on the job Rub rub, hammer hammer, bang, screw
Written by: IVOR BIGGUN
Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
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