Wilderness (feat. Crystal Colon)

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John Bryan

5:01

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I've been journaling and journeying and can't even be called a journeyman
Cause my journey is stunted at the wall of my unworthiness
And the search for peace has me in the corridor of life
This wilderness of darkness but I can almost feel the light

God it's like I'm on this treadmill you seem to call my exodus
I feel like I'm so close but I can't see where my exit is
The cloud and pillar of fire is slow to lead to my deliverance
Slowing down was not an option in the house that I was living in 
Growing up around my dad I had to justify my existence 
Passing over The Kid in me there was no time to listen
To my dreams, "who are you Joseph, just babysit your sisters
And when you done with this laundry, clean the bathroom and do the dishes" 
That's what you want from me right God? 
That's what you want from me right God? 
To shut up and do my job
To bury my gifts just like my father told me to for the right odds
Of satisfaction and success 
The more I dream the bigger the mess
The bigger the hole that's in my chest 
And I feel like I have sold my soul
And I didn't even have a choice because well God you're control
And I'm supposed to deny my flesh 
Put pleasure to the back burner
Take the cause of the slave like Nat turner
Justifying rebellion in the name of what's right as my soul burns up 

I've been holding this in for so long 
Because I feel it was wrong
And my weak version of You was so off
Oh God
Help me to make sense of what I feel and what I know 
Because I know that you care but it feels like you don't 
I just want a place I can call home
Call home

God I don't mean no disrespect but if I can't tell you how I feel
I don't want to be apart of your gameshow, there's no let's make a deal 
But you've been killing me in my pain though
Dragged in mud and stuck in the same clothes 
I still give into porn because I want pleasure so I can cope 
With the loss of my innocence at age 5 from my cousin 
So to fit in I became apart of the hurt I shunned it's
Crazy cause this came from the donor who chose to leave me alone 
That was compounded at 18 when didn't have a home
My dad didn't have to kick me out and tell me to find my real father 
And since then I've been working against the lie that I shouldn't bother 
With life, progression, success
My wife's eventually gonna leave me
It's only a matter of time until she truly sees me
This is grieving 
And you're the only one that I know can take it
Without some simple answer or shallow prayer 
Like, "it'll be okay" with an awkward stare
I know you're here but sometimes I need to cry out to feel you care 
I can only hope your Kid's Sacrifice can Passover how I vent

I've been holding this in for so long 
Because I feel it was wrong
And my weak version of God was so off
Oh God, help me to make sense of what I feel and what I know 
Because I know that you care but it feels like you don't 
I just want a place I can call home
Call Home

Lord I been stuck with the same purposeless cause
Unmotivated by yours while manufacturing bars
That sound pretty when banged on/ like chimes that ring the slave songs 
I'm rattling chains strong 
because I'm more comfortable with them things on 
I don't wanna believe in weakness as a mantra
I'd rather expose the body of lies and kill the monster 
I'd rather position myself 
Wise enough with the power 
To move this machine to self destruct than keep my palms up 
Raised high 
Exposing my life source
I don't want  you to know I'm insecure of speech
Feeling if I speak I'll be neigh neighed because my mic's horse
White washed, pronouncing the truth of God like I live it
But my course of discipline is not a practice it's an image
I feel diminished and bound to perpetual struggle
You say it is finished but knees are still buckled
In fear that the bucket of grace will run dry
And my hypocrisy will have you say "it is finished" to my life 
May your ears listen favorably to my souls cries

What determines who I am?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
Even if I fail again, you see 
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

Oh precious is the flow, 
That makes me white as snow
No other fount I know
Nothing but the blood of Jesus 

What determines who I am?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

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