Jacques the Nude Turtle

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Joseph Landau

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Jacques is a turtle, and one like no other 
He hasn't a girdle or even a cover 
A waltzer, a wagger, a french autumn lover 
Well, Jacques' just a turtle, plain and unbuttered 
See Jacques, he is shell-less, as nude as a tree 
After November but prior to spring 
And Jacques simply loves, nice long walks on the beach 
He minds not at all, if somebody sees	
Because Jacques keeps in shape, as his body's his shrine	
In fact I'd give Jacques body a ten out of nine 
And don't let me get started on his pearly whites 
Jacques is turtle who's doing alright 
Onwards he struts, liberal with winks 
He makes the crabs blush, a dark burgundy 
The scandalized Storks, faint, weak at the knee 
They cry "Never!", "Oh my!", and "What indecency!" 

Continues he does, he pays them no heed 
He says "This is just I, and I am just me" 
"Shave off your quilts, feel the salt breeze 
Take off your shells, you too could be free" 
See Jacques is not bashful, he never avoids 
He cares not at all if the frogs get annoyed 
He all but ignores the turtle tabloids 
And pesky sea snails, who tell him to read Freud 
But word gets around turtle beach, bye the bye 
Though slowly they walk, their gossip does fly 
And News of nude Jacques, reached the Turtle most wise 
"I must go warn Jacques!" The Wise turtle cried 
And so off he went "Not a second to lose!"	
(Though one turtle second, is an hour or two) 
Still, by his standards, the wise turtle flew 
And found Jacques he did of course, out in the nude 

"Well, well's well enough, to each turtle his own 
But Jacques you're a turtle, and your shell is your home 
And if that's not enough, there is something else 
Un Tortue sans shell, may not long keep his health"	
Now a turtle like Jacques gets easily bored	
He said "wise turtle friend, I must thank you for 
All this advice but I've heard it in scores 
And truly I find it rather a snore" 
"See I am a turtle who is apt to believe 
That there might be more important things 
Then trendy footwear and designer jeans 
And I am frankly surprised, you do not agree" 
"But Jacques... I think" the wise turtle stammered 
"That we both speak of quite different matters..." 
Then Jacques piped in, with a frightening natter 
"I've heard all I can take, of your wise turtle chatter!" 

Quickly he turned and stomped away riled	
Without even a glance to see all the while 
That where he was heading might present a trial 
That is, into the mouth of a large crocodile!	
"Jacques run away!" Said the turtle most wise	
It's too bad turtles run, like elephants fly	
A short sprint at best, takes four hours or five 
And of course naked Jacques had nowhere to hide! 
Well Jacques should have known that enough was enough 
Walking around, strutting his stuff 
Making a scene with his haws and his huffs 
Carrying on, out in the buff 

But worry not friends, you should have no fear 
For Jacques' bare bod doesn't meet its end here 
Because Jacques' studied karate for quite a few years 
And he meditates nightly to keep his mind clear 
So Let's just say Jacques makes it out fine 
In fact he recently called, just to say hi 
He said, "I'm no longer bare, in fact I'm quite into style 
You should see my new suit, made of crocodile!"

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