Father, Why Don't You Kiss a Man?

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Patrick Alexander's Melody Zone

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Forbidden wisdom
Concealed and arcane
The power of the moon
Directed through your brain
The light of the night
Moulded by your pinky finger
Father
I have given you the knowledge
And nigh draws the hour
For you to use this power
Father
You could grant breath and consciousness to statues made of rock
Or transform a five-fingered glove into a one-foot sock
Yet at the threshold you linger
Like a cold plastic bag full of porridge
Like there’s ice cubes in your gizzard
Your feeble eyes implore me
But your tired excuses bore me
So I tell you once again
Dad
If you want to be a wizard
You’re gonna have to kiss some men
Father
Why don’t you kiss a man?
We both know that you can
There’s nothing stopping you
From turning green grass blue
(Or growing new cows from beef stew)
Father
Why can’t you snog some blokes?
Magic’s not all hats and cloaks
And words said backwards
‘Pon some gents you must go mackwards
You could fly to a distant star and be back before yesterday
You could knit a pair of invisible mittens out of dark matter along the way
You know the spells (You know the spells)
You’ve brewed the potions
You have performed (You’ve performed)
Six of seven motions
But all the rites I’ve taught
Will culminate in naught
If you’re too yella
To smooch a fella
Yah yah yah-yah yah, yah yah yaaahhh (Kiss a man)
Yah yah yah-yah yah, yah yah yaaahhh (Kiss a man)
Yah yah yah-yah yah, yah yah yaaahhh (Kiss a man)
Yah yah yah-yah yah, yah yah yaaahhh (Kiss a man)
Father
Why won’t you pash a dude?
Kissing isn’t wrong or rude
Unless you don’t ask
Or neglect to remove your surgical mask
Father
Why shouldn’t you neck a chap?
His mouth does not contain a trap
(His scratchy beard is covered in plastic wrap)
He doesn’t taste like crap
Or smell like poo
He’s not unsightly or bad
The only problem is you, Dad
The only problem is you

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