St. George and the Dragonet

by Stan Freberg

Stanley Victor "Stan" Freberg (born August 7, 1926) is an American author, recording artist, animation voice actor, comedian, radio personality, puppeteer and advertising creative director, whose career began in 1944. He is still active in the industry in his mid-80s, nearly 70 years after entering…

Year: 1991

Narrator: 	The legend you are about to hear is true. Only the needle should
be changed to protect the record.

St. George: This is the countryside. My name is St. George. I'm a knight.
 Saturday, July 10th. 8:05 pm. I was working out of the castle on the night
watch when a call came in from the Chief. A dragon had been devouring
maidens. Homicide. My job: slay him.

 You call me, Chief?
Chief:		Yes, the dragon again, devouring maidens. The King's daughter may be
next.

St. George:	Mmm-hmm. You got a lead?
Chief:		Oh, nothing much to go on. Say, did you take that .45 automatic into
the lab to have them check on it?

St. George: Yeah. You were right.
Chief:		I was right?
St. George:	Yeah. It was a gun.
 8:22 pm. I talked to one of the maidens who had almost been
devoured.

 Could I talk to you, Ma'am?
Maiden:	Who are you?
St. George:	I'm St. George, Ma'am. Homicide, Ma'am. Want to ask you a few
questions, Ma'am. I understand you were almost devoured by the Ma'am. Is
that right, dragon?

Maiden:	It was terrible. He breathed fire on me! He burned me already!
St. George:	How can I be sure of that, Ma'am?
Maiden:	Believe me, I got it straight from the dragon's mouth.
St. George:	11:45 pm. I rode over the King's Highway. I saw a man. Stopped
to talk to him.

 Pardon me, Sir. Could I talk to you for just a minute, Sir?
Knave:		Sure, I don't mind.
St. George:	What do you do for a living?
Knave:		I'm a knave.
St. George: Didn't I pick you up on a 903 last year for stealing tarts?
Knave:		Yeah. So what? Do you want to make a federal case out of it??
St. George:	No, Sir. We heard there was a dragon operating in this
neighborhood. We just to know if you've seen him.

Knave: 	Sure, I seen him.
St. George:	Mmm-hmm. Could you describe him for me?
Knave:		What's to describe? You see one dragon, you seen 'em all.
St. George:	Would you try to remember, Sir? Just for the record. We just
want to get the facts, Sir!

Knave:		Well, he was, you know, he had orange polka dots . . . 
St. George: Yes, Sir.
Knave: 	Purple feet, breathing fire and smoke . . . 
St. George:	Mmm-hmm.
Knave:		And one big bloodshot eye right in the middle of his forehead and,
uh, like that.

St. George:	Notice anything unusual about him?
Knave:		No, he's just your run-of-the-mill dragon, you know.
St. George:	Mmm-hmm. Yes, Sir. You can go now.
Knave:		Hey, by the way, how you gonna catch him?
St. George:	I thought you'd never ask. A Dragonet.
 3:05 pm. I was riding back into the courtyard to make my report to
the lab. Then it happened. 			 It was the dragon.

Dragon:		Hey! I'm the fire-breathin' Dragon! You must be St. George, right?
St. George:	Yes, Sir.
Dragon:		I can see you got one of them new .45 caliber swords.
St. George:	That's about the size of it.
Dragon:		Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! You slay me!!
St. George:	That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Dragon:		What do you mean?
St. George:	I'm taking you in on a 502. You figure it out.
Dragon:		What's the charge?
St. George:	Devouring maidens out of season.
Dragon:		Out of season?!? You'll never pin that rap on me!! Do you hear me,
cop?!?!

St. George:	Yeah, I hear you. I got you on a 412 too.
Dragon:		A 412!!! What's a 412?!?!?
St. George:	Over-acting. Let's go.
Narrator:	On September the 5th, the Dragon was tried and convicted. His fire
was put out and his maiden-devouring license revoked. Maiden devouring out
of season is punishable by a term of not less than 50 or more than 300 years.