John Wayne Typewriter Pillow

I think it's been ten years since I might have slept Typewriter keys keep banging on my head  I'm writing replies and quippy rejections  To I miss you texts that you're never going to send  So here's a boundary that I wish you would disrespect  Just to pay me any attention  You always got to make it so complicated But why I only take shots that I know will miss I gave you one two three four five six seven eight  Too many chances I thought you were the one two three four five six seven eight  Too many choices I can tell where she's been by where the splinters at I leave them because they get me sad when I swipe them up against a tinder match  Scribble facts about my soulmate on pen and pads  Then throw that shit away the second that I see some tits and ass Yeah yeah she was hollow headed  Still looking at the Mac eleven wondering if I should swallow lead and  Call the medics Too late I already got to heaven  And committed suicide again to drop a level   Afraid I'll be the devil if I ever trust myself Think I got to hate me just to love somebody else Pacing in my boundaries I'm going to decorate them With polaroids of my self esteem I can't remember taking I should take a vacation I should learn another language I should stop all these should have's so I stop being anxious I should believe in angels like my mother did Cooking in the kitchen wearing nothing but an oven mitt Wondering if I'm going to ever fall asleep Or if I'm already dreaming I'm dreaming I'm reading letters that I know I shouldn't keep around me Waiting for the ink to replace my blood and drown me Now the cursive blurs and the messiness is adequate  I'm squinting just to try and read this recipe for happiness I think this one is just a text that says I love you If you rearrange the letters it says fuck you Fuck you Queen of the Half and Half Undecided Only way you'll ever make a mark is if I write it Only way you ever work is when you run and hiding Only way to tell you're lying is when your mouth is moving I can fit all my regrets inside it Things I'll never say in person  I'm too nice to love myself or know I'm worth it That's why I swear your acne is a constellation only I can name Deaf telescopes that never hear a word you say  Every breath is an emergency I'll fix for you Until I memorize the mediocrity of being with you I breathe a key hole that the world could fit through Then I crush under the weight of moments that I should have kissed you It's just twisted up ego and rejection I think the combination could be used for lethal injections  It's time to jack off and go to sleep Once you do you know you won't give a shit about anything It's all just chemicals swirling in your brain Maybe you should get some pills to pour it down the drain Go back to therapy and talk about your mom Learn why it hurts so bad when someone leaves you all alone Learn to meditate instead of always thinking When was the last time you went a day without drinking I see my reflection there's nothing inside it All I want to do is quit trying and just sit silent  Instead I'm typing out soliloquies on pillow cases That I'm built of dreams you can live in places In between me checking on my phone every six seconds To see if you texted to say I'm sorry I just can't do this I wonder if my ex cheated when she went to barcelona Or if she would have trusted me with more scars to show her Maybe there's something that I should have said but didn't Most of the time I think that we were just two pieces that just never fit in But forgiveness is my greatest flaw Sometimes I think that I'd be happier if I could hate you all Kill a bottle and tell her that she was lousy in bed Over a thousand texts and misspelled alphabets Do something I'll regret that makes me more human I just want to do something stupid Because if I was worse then she could have related more I always play the cool guy then I go home Slow mo replay every moment when she broke my heart Like when she brought that strange dude home from the bar I should have knocked him out and told you you're a fucking piece of shit Driven home alone and never ever talked to you again but Okay I'm really unraveling now Focus on your breaths in out in out It's all good I'm okay because I'm over you I'm just returning these apologies that I'm still overdue Waiting patiently until I find a better way Learning my side is the only side I never take And I always date girls that love that most about me Camouflaged sneaking over all my little boundaries I have to hold a funeral for us to break up Because I'm pretty sure that they could never ever live without me But I still hear them crying in mother's grave I'm going to time travel always searching for someone to save Or I'm Mr. Death tap dancing on a picket fence Pulling on my sleeve until it ripped the thread And I sat naked in a parking lot surrounded by a thousand televisions Playing every moment in my life when someone leaves me And I'm reaching for the fingertips of cancer cells I wont survive Even though I know I'll never die baby Because I love it when you lie to me I'm swallowing your shit until these wilted flowers die and bloom inside of me And fall into the soil that will grow a giant sycamore I'll hang you from a thousand times until I don't give a shit no more I'll bleed an ocean of the words I never said to you  Then I'll drink it all in the hopes that it will mend the wound A loneliness that I pretend is you Searching for a home scratching with my fingernails just to stretch the womb Until my veins collapse like a crescent moon  Hang myself from your closet rod just to try to set the mood  Choking trying to balance on the toes of my tennis shoes I thought that's what you meant when you said I'm dead to you  Woke up in the hospital as a vegetable Sipping cold soup through a bendy spoon  Dictating letters to the nurses that I'll prolly never send to you  Because I assume that nothing is the only thing I meant to you  Yeah yeah I guess I'll see you later Rubbing my heart against a cheese grater  I want to fall in love I want to fall in love  I want fall for anything I wan to self destruct  I want to fall in love I want to fall in love  I want fall for anything I want to self destruct  First I need to stop thinking and fall asleep But it's hard on these typewriter keys Leave me alone I mean never leave me I would tell you but you would never believe me