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garrisonkeillor

My Grandmother's Cat
by Garrison Keillor



My grandmother's cat grew too fat for his shelf
So he slept every night on a bed.
He was almost as big as my Grandma herself
'Cause three times a day he was fed.
He was fed tuna scraps as he sat on Grandma's lap
On his back with a big napkin tied,
He ate as much as he could hold
Until he got too wide.

Every day pounds of salmon meat (chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp)
Sirloin of parakeet (chomp, chomp, chomp)
He ate as much as he could hold
Until he got too wide.

My Grandmother said that of cats she had known
Her favorite by far was old Dan;
He'd stand on the floor, and his eyes simply shone
When she opened the tunafish can.
With his eyes shining bright, and a groan of delight
He'd rub against Grandma and purr,
'Til one day he knocked Grandma down
For by then he was bigger than her.

Every day gobs of goose pate (chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp)
Followed by fish fillets (chomp, chomp chomp)
'Til one day he knocked Grandma down
For by then he was bigger than her.

She fell to the floor with a pitiful scream
And lay there unconscious awhile,
And when she awoke his eyes were agleam
As he looked down on her with a smile.
With a gigantic paw, he poked my old Grandma
As he gave her a horrible grin;
He looked at her legs and her arms
Wondering where to begin.

Aged, but tender parts, (chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp)
Mouse morsels a la carte (chomp, chomp, chomp)
He looked at her legs and her arms
Wondering where to begin.

She managed to climb, despite her bad back
To the top of her old Frigidaire.
She threw him two steaks, his favorite snack
Which he always took medium rare.
The three which she spent up on the fridge
Seemed to her like a lifetime, at least;
She threw down all the food she had
To fill up the ravenous beast.

Pork chops and cottage fries (chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp)
Hams of the family size (chomp, chomp, chomp)
She threw down all the food she had
To fill up the ravenous beast.

She stayed there three days, till she ran out of stuff
And the giant was begging for more!
He was standing and nibbling on her little pink scuff
When the family burst in through the door.
It took twenty men to shut him in a pen
And ship him away to the zoo;
Let this be a lesson to you all ---
That your cat should be smaller than you.

Carte blanche you can't afford (chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp)
Cut out the smorgasbord ( chomp, chomp, chomp)
Let this be a lesson to all, both great and small---
That your pets should be smaller than you.
---
Lyrics submitted by Don.
These lyrics are not available for printing.