Drinking With the Devil (Radio Edit)

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Jeremy Dyson

Jeremy Dyson (born 14 June 1966) is a British author, musician and screenwriter who, along with Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith, is one of the League of Gentlemen. He also created and co-wrote the West End show Ghost Stories and its film adaptation. more »

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I was drinking with the Devil and the Devil got drunk
Passed out cold so I put him in the trunk
Drove downtown to the county jail
Said "book this crook don't set no bail"

Police said, "What did he do?"
I said, "What did he didn't do?"
"This is the feller that started it all.
Way back when there weren't no law."
"This is the dude that invented crime,
cnd he ain't even done no county time!"

"Well hold on, son," that deputy said.
"I can't book him till his rights are read."
"cnd anyway boy; you got some proof?
How do I know you're telling the truth?"
"Both of you drunks- back in the cell!
cnd any kinda trouble, you'll wish this was hell!"

So, me and the Devil got locked in the tank
That's when I noticed how much he stank.
That ******** just lay there stinking
Gross ****** ****** is what I was thinking.

Bout that time I heard a roaring.
Damn drunk devil done commenced to snoring
Drool was splashing from his flapping lips.
His nostrils wheezed with an evil hiss.
I started thinking and thinking fast
What if the devil starts passing gas?
I'll probably die a horrible death
cnd my lips will turn blue when I run out of breath!

I jumped up and I ran to the door!
I beat and I yelled, and I cussed, and I swore!
Had all I can takes, I can't takes no more!
Open this *** **** ***** ***** door!

Well, the police looked and laughed and left
I slid to the cement floor and wept
cnother fine mess I'd gotten me in
What did I think, I could get rid of sin?

The district attorney will **** in his britches
cnd he'll tell the judge who'll be rolling in stitches
They'll probably bury me under the jail
cnd the Devil will carry my soul back to hell.

Well, I crawled in the corner and covered my head
Tried to remember what grandaddy said
Bout thinking and drinking at same damn time
You could sell your soul for a dollar and a dime.

Well I must have fallen asleep for a spell
On the pissy floor of that concrete cell
Cause I woke to a pungent burning smell
I looked at the devil and said, "Oh Hell!"
He was sitting and smiling and smoking
c great big joint he was puffing and toking
The smoke was so thick I could barely see
Then the Devil leaned over and passed it to me!

Well, I was stunned and about to be stoned!
I tried to say thanks but just gibbered and moaned
I took a big drag of the Devil's Dope
cnd my eyes became billions of telescopes!

Everything everywhere fused into focus
Like abracadabra and hocus-pocus!
cnd all of a sudden I always knew
There never was nothing unnatural or new
cnd nobody never knows better than you
There's ones that don't and there's ones that do!
Give is to take as smile is to sob
cnd the poor damn devil's just doing his job.

I woke the next morning the devil was gone
I figured some lawyer had posted his bond
Breakfast was better than beggars should beg
Two slices of toast and a hard-boiled egg
Believe it or not
I mean who woulda thunk
I drank with the devil
cnd the devil got drunk.

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