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[Mr. Mackey] (Eric Cartman)
And everyone should get along
Okay children, quiet down, quiet down
Children, I'd like to introduce our new substitute teacher for the day
His name is Mr. Shady
Chidren, quiet down please
Brian, don't throw that (shut up)
Mr. Shady will be your new substitute while Mr. Kaniff is out with Pneumonia (he's got AIDS)
Good luck Mr. Shady

[Eminem]
Hi there, little boys and girls (fuck you)
Today we're going to learn how to poison squirrels
But first I'd like you to meet my friend Bob (huh?)
Say hi, Bob
Hi Bob
Bob's 30 and still lives with his mom
He don't got a job cause Bob sits at home and smokes pot
But his 12 year old brother looks up to him an awful lot
And Bob likes to hang out at the local waffle spot
And wait in the parking lot for waitresses off the clock
When it's late and the lot gets dark and fake like he walks his dog
Drags them into the woods and goes straight to the chopping block
And even if they escaped and they got the cops
The ladies would all be just so afraid they'd drop the charge
'Til one night Mrs. Stacy went off the job
When she felt someone grab hold of her face and said not to talk
But Stacy knew it was Bob and said knock it off
But Bob wouldn't knock it off cause he's crazy and off his rocker
Crazy good as Slim Shady is off the block, uh
You couldn't even take him to Dre's to give Bob a doctor
Grabbed Stacy by the legs and chopped them off her
And dropped her off in the lake for the cops to find her
But ever since the day Stacy went off the job they never found her
And Bob still hangs at the waffle diner
And that's the story of Bob and his marijuana
Doing what it might do to you
So see if the squirrels warned you, it's bad for you

[Mr. Mackey (Eminem)]
See children, drugs are bad (come on)
And if you don't believe me ask your dad (raise your hand)
And if you don't believe him ask your mom (that's right)
She'll tell you how she does him all the time (she will)
So kids say no to drugs (that's right)
So you don't act like everyone else does (uh huh)
And there's really nothing else to say (sing along)
Drugs are just bad, m'kay?

[Eminem]
My penis is the size of a peanut
Have you seen it?
Fuck no you aint seen it
It the size of a peanut (huh?)
Speaking of peanuts
You know what else is bad for squirrels?
Esctasy, it's the worst drug in the world
If someone ever offers it to you, don't do it
Kids, two hits'll probably drain all your spinal fluid
And spinal fluid is final, you won't get it back
So don't get attatched it'll attack every bone in your back
Meet Zach, 21 years old
After hanging out with some friends at a frat party, he gets bold
And decides to try five when he's bribed by five guys
And peer pressure will win every time you try to fight it
Suddenly, he starts to convulse
And his pulse goes into hyperdrive
And his eyes roll back in his skull
His back arches up, looks like the McDonalds arches
He's on Donald's carpet
Laying horizontal barfin'
And everyone in the apartment starts laughing at him
"Hey Adam, Zach is a jackass, look at him."
And they took it too, so they think it's funny
So they're laughing at basically nothing
Except maybe wasting their money
Meanwhile Zach's in a coma
The action is over, and his back and his shoulders hunched up like he's practicing yoga
And that's the story of Zach: The Ecstasy maniac,
so don't eat that, the squirrels say it's bad for you

[Mr. Mackey (Eminem)]
See children, drugs are bad (that's right)
And if you don't believe me ask your dad (that's right)
And if you don't believe him ask your mom (you can)
She'll tell you how she does him all the time (she will)
So kids say no to drugs (smoke crack)
So you don't act like everyone else does (that's right)
And there's really nothing else to say (uh huh)
Drugs are just bad, m'kay?

[Eminem]
And last but not least
One of the most humongous
Problems among young people today is fungus
It grows from cow manure
They pick it out, wipe if off, bag it up
And you put it right in your mouth and chew it
Yum, yum
And then you start to see some dumb stuff
And everything slows down when you eat some of 'em
And sometimes you see things that aren't there (like what?)
Like fat women in g-strings with orange hair
Mr. Shady, what's a g-string?
It's yarn Clair, women stick them up their behinds go out and wear them
And if you swallow too much of the magic mushrooms
Whoops, did I say magic mushrooms? I meant fungus
Your tounge gets
All swolled up, like a cow's tongue (How come?)
Cause it comes from a cow's dung
See drugs are bad, it's a common fact
But your mom and dad know
That's all that I'm good at
But don't be me
Cause if you grow up and go and OD
They're gonna come for me, and I'm gonna have to grow a goatee
And get a disguise and hide
Cause it'll be my fault
So don't drugs and do exactly as I don't, because I'm bad for you

[Mr. Mackey (Eminem)]
See children, drugs are bad (uh huh)
And if you don't believe me ask your dad (put that down)
And if you don't believe him ask your mom (you can ask)
She'll tell you how she does him all the time (and she will)
So kids say no to drugs (say no)
So you don't act like everyone else does (like I do)
And there's really nothing else to say (that's right)
Drugs are just bad, m'kay?

[Mr. Mackey] (Eric Cartman)
Come on children
clap along(SHUT UP!)
Sing along children (Suck my motherfuckin dick!)
Drugs are just bad drugs are just bad(South Park is gonna sue me!)
So don't do drugs (Suck my motherfuckin penis!)
so there'll be more for me (Hippie! God damnit!)
(Mushrooms killed Kenny!....Ewww, ahhh!)
(So, fucked up, right now..)
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Lyrics submitted by Hert.